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25 June 2010 @ 11:55 pm
Part ten (and last) of the Bree Tanner spork  

  In which we finally kill off Bree, but not before a sequel bait and some more stupidity.

  We left the last installment with Bree and Bella about to face each other. Bree had her eyes closed and her ears covered by Jasper. Around her is the burning corpses of her fellow newborns. Her heart completely broken by the fact Diego’s been dead for days and she’s been too stupid to notice (and currently too stupid to realize the howlers are not vampires).
    Finally, she opens her eyes and sees the Cullen clan. They are all surrounding while trusting Bella under her nose. Law of plot drama dictates that things will get worst at the worst possible time and the lavender smoke clears. This causes Bree to want to go down under on Bella’s neck. This is bad since Jasper is massaging his hands waiting for her to jump at Bella. Edward, who is described as “the redhead”,   explains that Bree surrendered. I have to say kudos for Meyer, the descriptions are not purple.

    Never mind, Meyer found something else to gush about. Look at special Bella, surrounded by vampires. how can she stand beside these horrible fiends (who bitchfight, gossip and talk about being BFFs). There must be something about her, she seems to be part of the vampire world even if she’s human.

    Bree moves away from that to day dreaming about tearing Bella’s head off and suck on her decapitated body with a straw. Edward glares at her before Bree could chomp Bella. Carlisle scolds her for thinking about doing what vampires do. I do have to ask, why are they keeping them face to face? This is like putting Judge Turpin on Sweeny Todd’s Barber chair and expect him not to give him a very close shave. Can’t they be at least at  extreme opposite sides and maybe away from the wind?  And Jasper try to suck down Bella in New Moon and still be ok with everyone, but Bree just feels the need (and she’s a newborn in front of bacon) and it warrants death threats?

    Moving on, the Volturi appear. (Hi Jane! I’ve been waiting for you to tazer everyone here!) Bree is shocked by the revelation that the yellow eyes are scared of the goth kids. She starts feeling protective over the Cullens and hopes Jane is here to kill Victoria (I guess vamps aren’t immune to stockholm syndrome)

("Sure he's threatening her and forcing her to marry him, but deep down I’m sure he's very nice" Bree under Meyer's logic)

    I'm not saying she should attack them, but they haven't been very nice to her. Double for Jasper who is baiting her with the intent of killing her. I wouldn't go around praising them for everything if I were in her shoes. Then again I would have been with Fred instead of being there.

    So the story turns word for word into the chapter Mirror from Eclipse. Summary in case you don’t know: Jane is asking about Bree and the Cullens are all “Yeah, she stopped attacking us so we decided to keep her, but you can have her if you want.” Bree guesses that she’s a policewoman, so to speak. Jane accepts and asks how many were they, looking for evidence of foul play. The Cullens say 18 and our little punisher is shocked by this. Bree reacts to this by saying:

As if they hadn’t already been introduced. This Jane was a bigger liar than Riley, and she was so much better at it than he was. 

    Considering you didn’t know Diego was dead, that’s not saying much.

    They start talking about Victoria and Riley and how they are dead. This gives Bree peace and is more than happy to die because Diego is avenged.  Because, you know, when your boyfriend dies you get revenge and then curl into a ball and die. (You know Meyer, there are other things women can do.) And with this Bree declares Edward her new BFF.

    Jane interrupts this moment by tazing her (YAY!!) As much as I do enjoy this I have to say torturing is stupid, at least the way Jane does it. People will say anything to stop the pain and that puts lying very high on the list. Also it shows that the torturer has no second thoughts about hurting you (and thus killing you) making some withdraw from giving you what you want as a tiny act of revenge.  To quote Michael from Burn Notice; "The fact is, torture is for sadists and thugs. It's like getting groceries with a flamethrower. It doesn't work and it makes a mess. "

    Bree proves my point by saying half-truths about what she knew. She says Riley’s plan, but doesn’t mention the wolves or Jane’s secret visit out loud but makes sure to say it via thought. Except Edward already knows everything she knows making this completely pointless. What was the purpose of this book?!
    More over it makes you wonder how many of Jane’s interrogations went this way. How effective she is as an interrogator if she takes everything at face value and pains every answer out. Bree right there circumvented her and she’s stupid. Why can;t the females of this series be effectual?

    Conversation turns to how special the Cullens are for surviving the attack intact and how Bella seems to be at the center of everything for somebody who does nothing with her life. Blah , blah, blah, Bella’s special. Blah, blah, blah, no second chances (except for the Cullens)

    Eventually we reach the end of this repetition (finally!) and Jane gives the death order. Edward advocates for Bree just to piss Jane off  (after obviously reading her mind). Jane just refuses while smiling and Bree is very peaceful about this. this really goes against her previous characterization as a coward and all because Diego is dead. Remember, she just spent 24 hours with this guy who felt more for Riley than for her. Sorry, but bite me.

Then-- oh, lord:

She was the vampire police. But even though the vampire cops were dirty—really dirty—at least the yellow-eyes knew it now. 

    Hahahahaha!! I may be alone with this, but that dirty comment made me laugh. Truly she’s a bloody harbinger of death and destruction. I quiver in my boots just thinking about her attacking me.

    Jane comments on Bella being human and Alice sings that the date is set. Jane wins brownie points because she hates Alice apparently. (I know people like Alice, but all I see is Edward with boobs and I don’t like Edward. Plus her powers make no sense and work on author laziness.)

    Bree already accepted death because she gets to meet Diego but gives her last thoughts for Fred. She wishes him well and hopes the dirty vampire cops doesn’t get him. She ends her thoughts saying... oh, no:

But Fred was smart and careful and talented. What could they do to him if they couldn’t even see him? Maybe the yellow-eyes would meet Fred someday. Be nice to him, please, I thought at the mind reader

    Is this a sequel setup? Is Meyer trying to justify a new Twilight book where they meet Fred? Was that the purpose of this novella all along? Not to explore body horror, write actual battle scenes or explore newborns? Just a flimsy excuse to keep the series alive? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

    Goddamit! With my luck it will be a Jacob/DemonSpawn/Fred love triangle called Russet noon and the Volturi will try to kill DemonSpawn because she is just so special! Which will prove stupid since imprinting takes any possibility away.

Well, with this I completed my first spork. Until next time this is Shaolina signing out.

Feeling: accomplishedaccomplished
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 26th, 2010 04:43 am (UTC)
Hard to say if that hypothetical sequel is on the mind, since Meyer apparently is done with vampires. Maybe she was covering her bases and leaving herself with options, in the event that she needed a quick buck.

Anyway, excellent recapping! :D I look forward to your next venture.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on June 26th, 2010 04:50 am (UTC)
She says that, but I'm not so sure. She did start writing MS and did this novella. It's what sells. Twilight did as well as it did because of Edward. Every Twilight fan I know ignores Bella and focuses on Edward or Jacob. There's no "Team Bella" and in other books there will be no Edward. Unless she breaks away from this mold at least a little bit her future books will be read as much as The host or less. I mean, does anybody even parody, praise or mention that book? At most it gets the "It's like Twilight with animorphs" treatment.
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 26th, 2010 05:34 am (UTC)
To be fair, this novella was apparently written before Midnight Sun. So it's possible she threw the snit fit over MS and that was when she said goodbye to vamps.

...And then waved this carrot around. How lovely.

Anyway, you're right, Meyer needs to break her formula. Somehow I doubt that'll happen though. She's made a boatload of money through that formula and probably can't do anything else. I do know that she has a ghost story, a time travel story, and a mermaid story all lined up though, so...sporks at ready! :D
Miss Shaolinashaolina on June 26th, 2010 05:42 am (UTC)
She says that but I believe my theory that this novella was inspired because of the movie. Until proven otherwise that's what I'm going to believe.

And all those stories will be twilight redux, but without Edward. The best she can do is stick with the young adults and hope for one of her major jerky characters to become the abusive boyfriend most girls seem to dream off. (And I'm sure Meyer doesn't mean to make them like that, but she doesn't pay much attention to how they come across)

My spork is ready for MS and one of those two books. XD I'm looking forward to how you give a more serious approach to this.
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 26th, 2010 02:40 pm (UTC)
That could be the case as well. I'm hopelessly naive about stuff like that, so yeah. XD

Yeah, that's probably the worst part - she just doesn't mean to write things as screwed-up as she does.

Yay! XD And yeah, I really need to update -_-; Wendy's is leaving me drained. XD
Miss Shaolinashaolina on June 26th, 2010 03:10 pm (UTC)
I like thinking the best of people, but something about this tells me this was written to cash on the movie. I'm not hating on that, other authors have done things like that. Heck, it's the reason books get movie poster covers and stickers that say "Now a motion Picture". Still, it's not a cute story so she says that. And can't even keep her canon straight since Edward never mentions any message from Bree during BD yet here Bree is sending him important messages. So either Edward ignored her or Meyer can't keep it straight.

Yet it amuses me. XD Like when she wrote MS because people were not understanding Edward clearly. So from jerkass he went into psycho territory because Meyer upped the creep-o-meter all the way to the sky.

I bet. I worked at Walt Disney World for a whole fall semester until Jan 4. Hell is working in Main Street (Magic Kingdom) between the night parade and the good bye fireworks.
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 26th, 2010 04:02 pm (UTC)
That thing with Edward's mind-reading really confused me as well. You'd think he'd mention something as important as that to Bella and his family, if only to warn them about how psychotic the Volturi are. I guess it fits with his controlling personality that he'd hide it from Bella, but then why does he keep going on in BD like he's amazed that the Volturi are evil? He ought to already know that!

XD Oh MS, dear God! It really makes one wonder what the editor actually convinced Meyer to get rid of.

Oh, I can imagine! Night shifts do suck-eth. XD
Miss Shaolinashaolina on June 26th, 2010 04:11 pm (UTC)
See? That's what I mean. If Meyer had written this when she said she did Edward would have mentioned "Yeah, that newborn the Volturi killed told me mentally that the Volturi set this whole thing up." I stand by the fact the movie makes wanted to know more about the newborns to add something to the movie and asked Meyer about it. She decided to write the novella. It reminds me of MS when the vamps start using nicknames that you never hear on the actual canon.

Dude, I was in favor of that book just for laughs. I wanted at least the meadow scene in Edward's perspective because that would have been hilarious. XD And as I've said, I can't hate things that make me laugh (Which is why I am ok with the Bree Tanner book) Heck, I'm looking forward to Eclipse because the reviews are going to be awesome. (crosses fingers that Spoony reviews that movie)

Yes, they do.
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 26th, 2010 10:43 pm (UTC)
Word on Eclipse! My friend and I are waiting a week or so, just so the theater will be empty and we can laugh as hard as we want. XD And yes, if Spoony reviews Eclipse, that would be fantastic.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on June 26th, 2010 11:22 pm (UTC)
Plus the spill guys and bum reviews. XD Mayor lulz are to be had.

I do have hope for the movie to be better than the book. At the very least it will have some action scenes
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 27th, 2010 01:49 am (UTC)
On the action department, yeah no need to fear. The movie people aren't stupid and knew that this was one of their biggest chances to have a huge, epic battle. (I'd think that they'd do the same for BD, but Meyer will probably stick her nose into it). I'm personally hoping that they'll skip the whole child imprinting thing, or at least acknowledge that it's creepy. Lord!
kawaiicowkawaiicow on July 1st, 2010 11:05 am (UTC)
Graaah! Why does every single character that is not stupidly eeeevil have to fall down and worship the Cullens? They have been nothing but horrible to Bree; throwing her around, threatening her, effectively blinding her, sitting her down next to a smoking pile of what they thought were her friends, threatening her some more when they wave a particularly tasty human in her face and then just giving her up to the Volturi so they won't get blood on their expensive clothes.

Bree owes them nothing and yet goes to stupid lengths to protect them. They don't even owe her anything at the end, for all her warning of the 'dirty vampire cops', Edward already knows (she pointed this out herself, Edward is a MINDREADER) that Jane is lying (I bet he was thinking "K THNX" at the time). I find it hard to believe that Meyer wrote this before BD (though I have no idea when she wrote this) because this tidbit of information that the Volturi have been fiddling the rules never comes up again.
I'm not even going to go into how stupid and contradictory Jane meddling is. Mervin will probably cover this better than me anyway.

And don't even get me started on Bree's attitude to dying. "Oooh my love is dead so I can die peacefully!" She knew him for a day! Even if he wasn't already getting it from Riley, there was almost no evidence that Diego was romantically attracted to her, to me at least he displays the qualities of a nice, if naieve, person. So yeah, fuck off Meyer. Just because someone is happy to die because their onject of affection is dead, dosen't make it a good love story. It's just weird.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 1st, 2010 02:52 pm (UTC)
Because the Cullens are wonderful and they do no wrong. (eyeroll)

Edward even knew before meeting Jane. After killing Victoria the Volturi just show up and he remarks they must have known about this. That whole part was pointless!

Bree's attitude on the face of death was moronic. Reminds me of Bella's in Twilight. She could at least be a little scare or maybe sad that she won't get to have adventures with Fred. But no, she's without her man and thus life is not meant to be lived single.

And that love story was one sided! Nobody can tell me otherwise. I don't believe Bella/Edward = true love, but I do believe they are in the same place romantically. Here she is just holding on to scraps of affection while Diego is being the typical over affectionate latino. I should know, I am one. I have friends who are that affectionate and I am back. Plus he and Riley were totally doing it under Bree's nose.

I would have done this novella a lot differently. For starters there would be no romance, she would have a happy family (yes, they have those in the ghetto) and Riley would have taken her from a party and turn her in a way that would look like date rape. After that is Bree fighting between bloodlust and her desire to go back to her family. The only reason she surrendered is because she hopes to learn from the yellow eyes the ability to control herself to maybe see her parents and sister again. And thus she dies and it's sad because she never got to tell her folks one last time how much she really loved them. But that's just me.
kawaiicowkawaiicow on July 1st, 2010 07:51 pm (UTC)
THIS is a book I would like to read, especially with the vampire bite=sex thing that Meyer accidentaly gave us. That Bree I like and is a sympathetic character who reacts realistically to being taken away from their happy life. Other Bree just hates everything because she can, with very few motivations.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 3rd, 2010 03:15 am (UTC)
Thanks. I had come up with lots of ideas. Like making Bree love cooking and have dreams of going to culinary school. Her dog Pito was a birthday present for her sister Colette, but ended up favoring her bed. Also her sister likes to paint abstract art. Last painting hangs on the living room and her mom and her argue constantly over which way is the correct way to hang it. So whenever each one arrives they turn the painting ahead.

And Diego would be openly gay. What? I have to keep something from the canon. XD
Hana OfBrockdonia on September 2nd, 2012 06:57 pm (UTC)
To be fair...
Seeing as the Volturi are the only vampires I can stand (and Aro is a bit iffy because he's so incredibly bad at planning anything, ever) I feel oddly obliged to stick up for Jane here:

She /knows/ that Edward can read her mind. She was fully aware that the moment she got anywhere near him, he would know of their involvement with the newborn army (which is stupid, no argument there, just playing devil's advocate). As such, the interrogation was a show and a needless one at that. They had to go through the motions, of course; had to keep their reputations clear. But they were also showing the Cullens exactly how thin a line they were treading, keeping Bella human; it was their way of saying "Yes. Yes, we knew about this. We encouraged it. /We warned you/. Thus making an implied threat a very blatant one.

On that note, the only explanation I can think of for why Alice didn't see the Volturi getting involved in Seattle was because "The Volturi", as a whole, didn't. I know the three ancients are /supposed/ to rule equally, but we all know that's BS. Aro is the leader--and Aro likes Carlisle, and is inclined to trust him. Caius, on the other hand, sort of hates everyone--and Jane seems to answer to him as much as Aro. If he just /casually mentioned/ something, and Jane /of her own accord/, of course, grabbed Felix and Dimitri to go check it out... Alice was watching for an official order, and it's not official until Aro's involved. So that might be how they got around Alice's vision.

I've put way to much thought into this, haven't I? (You know, Meyer, it says something when more thought goes into justifying your plots than coming up with them...)