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21 June 2010 @ 05:36 pm
Part eight of the Bree Tanner spork  
Last time on “The secret life of the sparklers” Riley was giving the vamp crew the 411 on the Cullens (and I’m amazed Meyer didn’t use the 411) and they decided to take a hit of Edward’s brand of heroine. Also, Bree wondered if: Riley was lying to them (Yes, you twat!), if she should leave (see previous parenthesis) and if Diego was dead (see previous parenthesis). And now for the boring continuation!

    Riley starts telling them that 4 times a year vampires are able to step out into the sun safely and they will use this to launch a surprise attack. Everyone shares the idiotball since nobody questions why he didn’t say this sooner, how does he know that and how is he so sure that the yellow eyes don’t know this information. They just go “No way!” and stare like Dodo birds as Riley is about to step out into the light. Everyone except Bree who is telling us how his manipulation is just too complicated and how she wished Diego were here to help her figure it out.

(Now available in Xbox360 and PS3)

    So, after much fussing about, Riley goes out and tells them “Calm down, I’m fine” but nobody believes him. So Riley relies on Raoul’s sick devotion on him to move the plot:

“You know,” Riley mused from above, “I’m curious to see who is the bravest one of you. I have a good idea who the first person through that door is going to be, but I’ve been wrong before.”
I rolled my eyes. Subtle, Riley.
But of course it worked. Raoul started inching his way toward the stairs almost immediately. For once, Kristie was inno hurry to compete with him for Riley’s approval. Raoul snapped his fingers at Kevin, and both he and the Spider-Man kid reluctantly moved to flank him. 

    I miss Diego. I would have loved to see them fight over who gets to go up first and make out with Riley while Bree conveniently looks at the wallpaper.
    But not even crazy love is enough as Raoul and his group refuses to go up. So it’s up to Riley to force Kevin up the stairs and into the light. Kevin remarks how shiny he is and Riley gets sweet on him which causes the “He gritted his teeth and marched up
the stairs.
“ reaction because Goddammit nobody is taking Riley away!
    So Fred doesn’t buy into Riley’s words and steps into the light without fear. Bree remarks on how observant he is. So far he does seem to be better mythbusting material than Diego. After commenting on him we pass to our violent vampire girl, Kristie:

 Kristie was a better example of how well Riley had indoctrinated us. She clung to what she knew regardless of the evidence in front of her. 

    Bree, do I need to remind you of the mythbusting incident? You are the last person to say with such condescending tone. You only know the truth because Diego figured it out on his own. Just shut it!
    Then Meyer tells us the strategy she planned for this fight: Raoul’s team attack the front, Kristie’s team the side. That’s it. Linkara came with a much more thought out plan than this. This doesn’t take into account how best to counteract the powers nor who takes what vamps (and they had the intel advantage). No wonder they lost to Jasper’s awesome fast and sideways strategy.
    Anyhow, the group had one last practice (we don’t see it) and started marching down to Forks. They even snort some Bella on the way down making them loose focus on the battle. Did Riley seriously wanted to win this war at all?
    Fred, being the only smart one, activates his powers and stars falling behind. See, he’s not going to fight because this is stupid and Riley is obviously lying to them. Bree then proceeds to let him know about how many things he’s lied about (the sun, the Volturi, the runaways) but proceeds to say she needs to find Diego, right after she gave Fred that list. 
    Freaky then says he’s not surprised and invites her to go exploring the world with him. She declines because she needs to get Diego, who is totally alive you guys and Fred says that she can bring him along when she finds him, because he’s at the battlefield waiting for Riley with blood chocolates. He’ll be waiting for them at Riley Park in Vancouver for a day and after that he’s going to do as he pleases. Bree agrees reminding us that she’ll catch up after getting Diego, who is alive, ok?! And so Freaky Fred hopefully exits the story. (If that character shows up into the story to try to save Bree and declare eternal love to her I will force Meyer to eat my sister’s tuna casserole)
    Bree catches up and the army moves on with nobody wondering about Fred. They arrive to the forest where the war happens and they go on feeding frenzy mode. Nobody’s listening to Riley anymore and he starts getting angry about it. He deserves it if you ask me. He should have been training them from the start, he should have made them used to Bella’s scent for weeks instead of making them addicted to it and he should have considered this situation happening. This whole thing was so badly executed.
    Also, want to see the fight?
He shouted orders, mostly the same thing repeated.
“Kristie, go around! Move around! Split off! Kristie, Jen! Break off!” His whole plan of the two-pronged ambush was self-destructing as we watched. 

    Riveting, isn’t it?
    Riley eventually manages to separate Kristie’s group and tells them he’s going to help Raoul. He then goes to Raoul and tells him he’s going to help Kristie. And thus his plan starts to happen without him and we see him lying his way out.
    Bree follows him and starts talking to him instead of, you know, leaving.  He justifies his actions by saying he’s worried about her and he has to go help her. This reaches Bree’s heart and Riley then starts talking how Diego is down there fighting and she should go find him because he might need help.

(I'm sure Don Diego can manage, Bree)

    Bree is shocked by his comment since she didn’t smell him and Riley is all “Sure he is. He’s fighting along side Raoul as a vampire slaying team” Bree stares at the path and Riley is pleased with her and tells her he’ll come back soon and leaves. Our heroine then says:
He took off in a direction perpendicular to our original path. I clenched my teeth at how sure he seemed of his way. Lying to the end. 

  And she leaves to find Diego, who is complete alive and fine fighting along side Raoul, who hates him and wants to mess him up, even though this little thing was never part of the strategy and Riley doesn’t even meet Diego to ensure that is true. I do have to wonder at what point will Bree get a clue.

Tune in next time when I’ll finish this book to start something else. Also, what are my chances of seeing a fight happening?
Feeling: boredbored
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 22nd, 2010 12:32 am (UTC)
Dear freaking LORD, is that girl dumb!

And yet again, I'm reminded of the Bella/Edward/Jacob thing, with Freddy as a wonderful parallel to pre-werewolf Jacob. Both of those guys were the only ones who seemed to realize something was screwed up and both were conveniently ignored.
Miss Shaolina: Working itshaolina on June 22nd, 2010 12:58 am (UTC)
I Know! Your Bree is twice as smart with half her age! She goes around saying over and over "Riley is such a lying liar who lies!" yet Diego is totally alive and hanging out with Raoul.

I like Fred over Jacob. He hasn't declared eternal love on Bree, so I can just pretend he's just acquaintances with her, the whole "like an old married couple" is in her head showing how she blows up little scraps of affection to compensate her sad existence, and he moved on when she didn't show up. While Jacob is all "BELLA!! I LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU USED ME!! BE MINE FOREVER!!"
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 22nd, 2010 01:10 am (UTC)
Yeah, word on all of that. Especially the Freddy bit. Seriously, *that's* how I'd expect someone shanghaied into a vampire army to be, all "whatever" and uncooperative.
Miss Shaolina: Pointshaolina on June 22nd, 2010 01:37 am (UTC)
Agreed. Plus I love the fact his powers are invisibility through awkwardness and stink. If only he weren't super handsome I would be giving Meyer lots of brownie points.
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 22nd, 2010 03:07 am (UTC)
If it weren't Meyer, I'd still give points for him being attractive and having that power. Because seriously, it seems to me that most people would have someone who essentially has the power of super-farting be a gross guy. Having him actually be attractive would be kind of subverting that.

Of course because it IS Meyer, with her previous track record, yeah, not so willing to give points.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on June 22nd, 2010 03:28 am (UTC)
I just don't give them because Meyer revealed he was handsome when Diego was out of the picture making him perfect target for Bree's affections. It's the moment/reason that pissed me off and how she describes them after the fact. You know what I mean?
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 22nd, 2010 03:34 am (UTC)
Oh yeah, I see what you mean! Like how Bella only noticed how Jacob was ripped after Edward dumped her. It's like "Oh yeah, no more hot guy, oh wait another hot guy yay!!! :D"
Miss Shaolinashaolina on June 22nd, 2010 03:46 am (UTC)
Exactly! I went "Goddammit!!" mode when Bree started gushing about his looks. Notice how after the fact they are always smiles, doing things at the same time, thinking the same things and "acting like a married couple". Also pissed me off because Bree looks like such a leech! The way Meyer portraits her is like a codependent woman who can't have a single right thought unless it's verified by a handsome man. I liked them better when she thought he was gross and he was just there.

Plus when I heard the name I though of courage the cowardly dog (me being a huge 90s cartoon fan) and I wanted Fred to look just like that. XD
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 22nd, 2010 04:13 am (UTC)
Yeah, that is really annoying.

You know, I really can't figure out Meyer's views on dating multiple people. Bella pretty much pined away for Edward (and vice versa) and was supposedly to be applauded for it, but when Leah pined for Sam she was being a horrible shrew. Charlie spends most of the series pining for Renee, but then settles for Sue and everyone is happy. So what? Is it good to pine after someone? Go after someone else? Pine after someone while going after someone else? (It's the last one, isn't it?)
Miss Shaolinashaolina on June 22nd, 2010 04:23 am (UTC)
Yes, but Bella's pining is codependent, passive and doesn't get angry (plus they are true love). Leah dares to get mad at what happens and not be passive about it or anything so that makes her a bitch. Similar thing with Sue and Charlie, since we can't have people be single (Charlie sucks at cooking and Sue is without a man so we need them paired up ASAP) It's all about gender roles according to Meyer.
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 22nd, 2010 04:26 am (UTC)
Ah, so it's if a girl dares to try to better herself at all. Gotcha.

I know I ought to know that already, but my brain nearly exploded from anger at that thought.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on June 22nd, 2010 04:34 am (UTC)
Not even that. If a girl dares to be vocal about her thoughts and opinions she's horrible. I mean, yes Bella is a whiny bitch, but how much of that is displayed to other people vs what's internal? You'll see that to others Bella might seem like a quiet girl. Or take Emily who smiles and cooks at everyone. Or Angela, who is also quiet and passive, vs Jessica who is outspoken. And Demonspawn will be perfect because she will be able to convey her ideas silently, via her powers. The more silent the girl, the more perfect she is.
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 22nd, 2010 04:58 am (UTC)
O_o Alright, now I'm certain my brain will explode.

As it is, I will satisfy myself with imagining myself wagging my butt in front of Meyer while shouting "IN YOUR FACE!"

Although I find it highly ironic that Meyer's female characters are all supposed to be quiet and submissive and not do anything, when she basically is running around the country, going to parties and book signings and interviews, all while having her husband take care of the kids and saying about how she dated three guys at once in college and would happily trade her own husband for a fictional character.