Log in

No account? Create an account
17 June 2010 @ 11:35 am
Part five of the Bree Tanner spork  
In which Bree takes a full night to complete half a thought, we see what Freaky Fred looks like and Meyer only knows places that start with the letter C.

The Volturi arrive to the scene and confront Victoria and Riley. Jane ever so wonderful tells  them:

“Don’t bother,” a very clear, monotone voice commanded lazily. It was not as high-pitched as our creator’s, but it still sounded girlish to me. “I think you know who we are, so you must know that there is no point in trying to surprise us. Or hide from us. Or fight us. Or run.”

Jane: Or beg. Or jump. Or sing.
Victoria: Can we make out?
Jane: I’d rather you not, I might get cooties.

    Victoria asks them what they plan to do to them and Jane wants to know if Victoria is planning to kill the Cullens. Victoria doesn’t want to say, but eventually blurts out for what she’s planning to use the army for and how she has been avoiding detection from Alice. And I have to say that I still don’t get how her powers work.
    Yes, I know her powers are supposed to be decision based, yet she makes predictions about things like the weather. Does the sky has a mind of its own? And look at this! She was keeping eyes on the Volturi, the Volturi decided to visit Victoria and give her an ultimatum to eat Bella. Yet in Eclipse she had no idea it was Victoria.
    Anyway, Jane tells her she has five days to defeat the Cullens and she will consider giving her mercy for her illegal activities. So much for no second chances. Which brings me to another problem I have with this: Doesn’t Aro want Alice and Edward to join their little special club? How they expect that to happen if this army kills all of them? That is a real possibility here, since Jane doesn’t tell her to spear any of the Cullens.
    Once the Volturi leave Victoria has a justifiable fit, seeing as 5 days is not enough in the realm of reality to train crazy unruly teens with super powers.

(Not even the wax-on/ wax-off training method could help this sucky team with lots of heart.)

 I don’t get why Riley didn’t go military on their butts from the get go. It’s hard to create fear and respect when you don’t cement it on their minds from the start. Look at how they treat his rules already because they know they can get away with anything! Yet Riley tells her not to worry since he promises not to fail and given the end of Eclipse... well, yeah.
    After hearing all that, we turn to our heroes who are about to go on with the plan. Well Diego is anyway. My lord this is stupid! After hearing all of that you decide to go ahead and clue him in the fact you know that the sun thing is not real.  Yeah, they should consult somebody else who is not brain dead before going on with this plan. Maybe a psychic:

Shawn: I sense that Victoria and Riley are lying liars from Liarsburg!
(Thank you, Mr. Spencer)

    Honestly I think that Diego went in knowing he would die, but thought Riley was worth the sacrifice (without forsaking Bree, his new best friend.). I haven't read the end yet, but I'll eat my hat if he's still alive given the next paragraph:

He looked into my eyes, and I waited for his lips to twitch into that easy smile, for him to make some joke about ninjas or BFFs.
He didn’t. Instead, he leaned in slowly, never moving his eyes from mine, and kissed me. His smooth lips pressed against mine for one long second while we stared at each other.
Then he leaned away and sighed. “Get home, hide behind Fred, and act clueless. I’ll be right behind you.” 

    Now  tell me that doesn’t sound like dead man walking. Why must all characters in love be so blind and stupid when it comes to Meyer? And Bree still doesn’t get it! Not actively anyway. But she gives us a last treat before she leaves:

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it hard, then let go. Riley had spoken of Diego affectionately. I would have to hope that affection was real. There wasn’t another choice. 

    Aww, I hope so too. I’m going to miss the gay subtext if he’s dead.
    Bree hurried home where it is noisy and a heap of ashes in the floor. At least we won’t hear the number twenty-two again. Our heroine is unmoved by the dead vampire and sits down by her usual spot. To her surprise, she finds freaky Fred reading one of the books she left him. And more surprising than that is the fact that she can finally see Fred and he is handsome:

For the first time ever, I really saw what Fred looked like. He was tall, maybe six two, with the thick, curly blond hair I’d noticed once before. He was broad-shouldered and muscular. He looked older than most of the others—like a college student, not a high school kid. And—this was the part that surprised me most for some reason—he was good-looking. As handsome as anyone else, maybe even handsomer than most. I didn’t know why that was so trippy for me. I guessed just because I always associated him with revulsion. 

    Goddamnit! See what I mean. I already like Fred less because Meyer placed him in focus and when you’re on Meyer’s focus you must be handsome. No, you can’t be weird looking (and thus interesting) because vampires = gods of beauty (except for James because he wants to eat Bella and Victoria, who is savage and childish). So now instead of seeing this:

     I get this:

    And thus he is no different than everyone else. Also, so sweet of Meyer to give Bree a love interest replacement in case Diego goes missing. It would have been terrible for Bree to go on without a man in her life. You know, now that is has been declared that he’s more handsome than most, Fred has become the Reneesme of this love equation.
    Anyway, Bree grabs a book that she pretends to read and starts having a monologue and she just won’t shut up. I’m serious, there’s not a single action or break here. Just she clumsily repeating things that she should know about. She starts getting questions such as:

>Why did Riley told them the lie about the sun? (To keep them there)
>What would they do to them after the fight? (Considering they called you bodies and distractions I can’t say it will be pleasant)
>Did Riley know about the sparkling? (He dragged you there! He was the one that called you “one more body” and was discussing with her a war nobody told you about! A war where you might die in! Even if he didn’t know about the sparkling the other things are just as bad if not worst!)

Finally it hits her that she could run away. Being free from Riley and this upcoming war with Diego.  “Just one, or maybe two vampires who could swim as far out to sea as they wanted… Who could return to land anywhere… Canada, California, Chile, China… Columbia, Costa Rica, Cuba... (What’s with all the Cs?) She eventually starts having a relationship crisis again since she wants to runway with her imaginary boyfriend. It’s been a while since we’ve had one of those:

But… would Diego have agreed? I was abruptly not so sure of myself. Was Diego more loyal to Riley after all? Would he have felt it was his responsibility to stand by Riley? He’d known Riley a lot longer—he’d really only known me a day. Was he closer to Riley than he was to me? 

    Sweetie, if you ask me, he already chose. You didn’t want him to go to Riley, he went anyway and told you to leave. The idea did upset you, and still does, but that was not enough to make him desist, to make him listen to your concerns (not that he really does). He really is more loyal to Riley than he is to you, and that’s a fact.
    She then remembers two vampires we never met-- Shelly and Steve-- who were “lost to the sun”. Bree starts wondering if Riley meant that as dead or as runaways. This gives her fantasies of Diego and her running away and being free. (Maybe move to the Congo and eat Gorillas)
    I have to ask though: does it matter either way? You know a war is coming you weren’t told about, that you are there to be “just a body” and that the sun doesn’t affect you along side other myths. Riley hasn’t been scary, nor especially nice nor effective. He hasn’t been a leader, just a babysitter instead (and a pretty bad one). Just go! With the war in 5 days and nobody trained, do you think he’ll have enough time to hunt you down?
    Bree’s kind enough to take this moment to repeat everything that we know already, in case we missed it, and starts wondering “what if Steve and Shelly told Riley about the sparkling instead of running away?” This prompts her to start wondering “Where is Diego?”
    Dawn is about to come and the vampires start showing up. Raoul is happy to see the vampire ashes on the floor. Kristie shows up with her gang (still not giving a single line) and is indifferent to the pile of ashes. Finally Riley shows up and (GASP!!!!)  he’s all alone.

Tune in next post to figure out where's Diego?

Feeling: accomplishedaccomplished
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 17th, 2010 05:36 pm (UTC)
Yep, Bree's about as smart as a rock there (apologies to any rocks reading this comment). Clearly her death is Darwinism.
Miss Shaolina: Hey!shaolina on June 17th, 2010 06:10 pm (UTC)
I know, sweetie! XD When she starts thinking I kept hearing a bad engine trying to start over and over again in my head. And it's all circular! She thinks A, then B, then C and then goes back to A and so forth without arriving to a real conclusion. Which lends for repetitive moments and lots of facepalming.

And yet Bree is not the stupidest character I've ever seen. That goes to Kurumi from Haou Airen. My lord there are no words to that woman's stupidity. All I need to do is see a page of that manga and I'm in a better mood to keep the Bree spork. At least with the Bree tanner story I can try joking around. It's so campy and funny at times that I actually giggle.
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 17th, 2010 11:16 pm (UTC)
O_o There's someone dumber than a Stephenie Meyer character? Good lord, my view of the universe just buckled.
Miss Shaolina: Tripleshaolina on June 18th, 2010 02:05 am (UTC)
Yes, there is. I just don't even know where to start with this girl. Kurumi is a school girl (16 if I'm not mistaken) that one night gets dragged into an alley by this "handsome man". He was hurt and chased by some guys. He then tells her that he will rape her if she makes a sound and rips her clothes to make his point. She was rightly scared on one page, next page she's thinking how handsome he is. So "bad guys" go away and she has the opportunity to leave and... she takes him to her home. She then proceeds to undress while he is there and that is the end of chapter 1 part 1. It is stupider when you read it and she gets dumber by page. There are things she does that I don't want to spoil that I can't even say, because I can't believe she's just THAT dumb. Bella Swan and Bree Tanner are geniuses and strong next to this girl!
aikateriniaikaterini on June 18th, 2010 01:14 pm (UTC)
/Bella Swan and Bree Tanner are geniuses and strong next to this girl!/

And Edward Cullen is a kind and noble gentleman compared to Hakuron. Especially considering what Hakuron does later on in the manga. *shudders*