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16 August 2010 @ 06:39 pm
Evermore, chapter 3  

In which Ever gives of exposition of her current living arrangements and relationship with her sister without actually showing us.



Yes, I found a copy I can make fun off. And after those two chapters I mean that. I have no hope of this being good at all. But hey, I’ve been wrong before and I love being wrong about things like this.

We start the chapter with Ever telling us about her lonely life living in a mansion with an aunt that is conveniently never there.  But it’s ok because Ever feels empty inside whenever she enters. And how do I know this? Because Ever starts to narrate about empty she feels living in a mansion after losing her family.

Now book, I’m not going to complain about the route your taking. Let’s face it, if she were upstairs dancing in her undies about it she would look like a horrible piece of work. That being said, could you show me how empty she feels instead of have her tell me about it? She could have entered her room ignoring everything and focusing in the picture of her family, for example. Or not asking for anything when her aunt asks her if she wants anything since she still feels like would be profiting off her parents death. Or maybe have her reach for the stereo and back down because of guilt. You know, show me something—anything! At this point I’m not picky.

So impersonal narration goes on about another one of her powers—God damn it! How many powers does this chick has?! Apparently not only can she see what’s happening in another place as it happens (as in with Haven), watch auras, talk to the dead and hear thoughts and now she can also get visions of events in that persons life. Why does she have this power plot wise? Whatever info she can gather from she she could have surely gathered via mind reading and a bit of investigation. Heck, just by paying attention you can gather the info. Does this story ever plan to have her work for something?

We bypass the life of her single aunt to have her explain about her sister who has been doing a Bruce Willis impression. Book, really, are we going to have a story anytime soon? This feels like a wikipedia article or livejournal entry. The point of first person to get into her head, this type of exposition would be less annoying in third person since the narrator would be presenting us the character.

Anyway, it turns out her sister started showing up at the hospital wearing her clothes and just messing with her pretending she can’t talk and ignoring Ever’s questions. More visits ensues and Ever keeps trying to communicate with her sibling and failing. There’s barely a scene with her asking her a couple of questions (like where are her parents) and Riley showing her a picture and disappearing. After that it’s again to clunky exposition. She also comments on how she hasn’t gone to therapy because it annoys her. My lord, GIVE ME AN ACTUAL SCENE!!

So far this book has given me clunky exposition in chapter one with half baked scenes here  and there, a Twilight copy chapter in number two and now more clunky exposition. Even The host doesn’t do this! Even in flashbacks I feel there’s a story going on—yes, a bad story, but a story none the less.

The more I read this the more I feel this would be better in third person and audiobook by somebody with an awesome voice. You know, the kind of voice that would entertain you for hours even if that person read the phonebook. Think how awesome Twilight would have been if it were narrated by Morgan Freeman. I wouldn’t even need to pay attention, just enjoy it. This book would be awesome if it were narrated by Garou.


(Note from the future, at this point I just went on my own little musical fantasy. Skip the long list of videos if you don’t care)

You know, this whole thing would be better if it were an audio-musical-book. Just have it being told Into the wood style:


For casting the narrator would be Alan Rickman:

But I want him snarky like when he’s being Snape or Metraton in dogma:


(C’mon, wouldn’t you love to hear a sucky supernatural romance read by somebody who would snark it away in that voice and sing an occasional song or two? I refuse to be alone here.)

Ever would be Kristen Belle:

(Yes, I know Ever hates the world, but there’s something about Bell’s bright voice that makes me need her to be Ever. Ms Belle can portray cute and as seen in Mary Sunshine she can very well go into sexy and heartbreaking. I’m sure she can pull jaded teen. Plus you just know the romance will be as cheesy as this sans humor so she’s prepared for corny “Let’s be together forever” lines)

Damen would be Garou because the man is audiosex and I can totally buy “Damen is the sexiest man alive” if he was voiced by Garou:

(He’s Quasimodo and he also knows English and Spanish and he is just as sexy-awesome in those languages)


Haven would be Katie Babb:

(That is just the right amount of perky)

Miles would be John Barrowman:

(AKA my favorite broadway gay man. That man could bring Miles to life without being a cartoon)

The aunt would be Ana Gayster (who plays a great Elphaba but the quality in the videos suck so here’s something just as good):

(I truly see her as an aunt figure)

The bad guy, if a guy, would be Allan Cumming:

(And yes, he can play a bad guy, I just love Wilkommen too much XD)

Here’s him in a badguy type role:

(Tell me a voice like that can’t make the lamest of villains just plain awesome)

The bad guy, if a girl, would be Lea Salonga:



(It’s my fantasy, I can have her if I want to. XD I just love her voice and I don’t want a sucky voice for my villains. I want somebody who can cause an emotion. I always consider the villain song to be among the most important things and finding a villain who can make you cheer for them is so hard at times. I know that books like this will have a bitchy meany as a villainess and I want somebody who can take that and screw it and turn it around.)

(And just for lulz the composers would be the same as Avenue Q or hire Stephen Lynch)

If that were true I would be the biggest Evermore fan, even with the story being what it is. I find that most people don’t really pay attention to plot if the music is great and the choreography and visuals are spectacular. There should be a company that makes great musical audiobooks. Then I could hear The host in the cheesy way it was meant to be heard.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, story. So we finally get an actual full scene—about time!—and it involves Riley and Ever on her first day in her room. Riley starts talking all exited about Ever’s new room while dressed in juicy pants. Ever goes back to questioning her sister, but she dismisses her and tells her to watch the view.  When Ever finally does so Noel goes Shyamalan on us and reveal that the view is the same as the picture Riley showed us.

So are her parents in the backyard or what? Well, we don’t know because Riley decides to ditch us again and I’m starting to hate the brat. She gets too exited on the prospect of bothering her sister.

Well, until next time, this is Shaolina singing out!


(Chapter 4)


Feeling: artisticartistic
Gehayi: zoesmile (dodo31)gehayi on August 17th, 2010 01:53 am (UTC)
You know, I'd LOVE that musical.

Also, now I want Miles (voiced by Barrowman) to sing "If You Were Gay" to Garou-voiced Damen as he hints that Damen should ask him out on a date.

Yes, I like Avenue Q entirely too much.

And Rickman as the Deadpan Snarker that is the Metatron would be perfect as the sporker-narrator of the musical. I can just hear him, too.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on August 17th, 2010 02:06 am (UTC)
I know, right. I can forgive a terrible story if it's an awesome musical with great singer/actors. That's why I love Twilight the musical even though I hate Twilight. If the Twilight movies were well done musicals I would be a fan.

Barrowman would be Nicky then, with modified lyrics and Garou would be Rob. That would be so cool! If that were to happen I could forgive so much out of this book. (I'm a huge Avenue Q fan. I have gotten everyone I know to hear it. That's one of my favorite mood enhancers when I'm down.)

Yes! If Alan Rickman came in and read this book to me while bitching about it it would be too awesome. Bonus if he sings! (Where's my wishing star when I need it, I want this musical now! This thing could suck for all I care if this were a musical XD)

Then again having Garou, Rickman, Cumming and Barrowman in one place would blow the minds of every woman in the audience myself included. Garou alone causes eargasms in every female friend I know (and even some of the guys now that I think about it) and I'm the only one who knows French so for all they know he's singing his shopping list.

Edited at 2010-08-17 02:26 am (UTC)
zelda_queenzelda_queen on August 17th, 2010 02:02 am (UTC)
Alan Rickman's singing can make anything better! XD

Which reminds me, have you heard him sing the song "Intelligence" from the movie "Help, I'm a Fish!"?

Miss Shaolinashaolina on August 17th, 2010 02:13 am (UTC)
Yes, he can. Just have him narrate as he tears it apart. I would pay for that. And I should add Tim Curry because you can never go wrong with Tim Curry.

What movie is that? O_o Never heard of it before.
zelda_queenzelda_queen on August 17th, 2010 02:36 am (UTC)
Oh lord, Tim Curry! :D

It's a Danish movie, apparently. It's actually kind of nice, in a Don Bluth-ish way. You can see the entire thing here: http://www.veoh.com/browse/videos/category/animation/watch/v1149302d9sqd8ED
Miss Shaolinashaolina on August 17th, 2010 02:51 am (UTC)
You know Tim Curry would make this awesome by defalt. (Wow, this is like the musical version of the expendables XD)

I'll be watching that tomorrow morning. Thanks for the link.
zelda_queenzelda_queen on August 17th, 2010 02:55 am (UTC)
Indeed, there are few things that a hammy Tim Curry can't fix. It's much like Gary Oldman.

No problem! ^^
LaylasLancasterlaylaslancaster on December 4th, 2010 02:06 am (UTC)
I love it! This really does sound like every other superficial, supernatural, teen romance novel on the cutting block! I've actually read this (I wasn't supposed to; like everything my sister read that I'm not allowed to read (aka TWILIGHT) I went ahead and read. I really must be some sort of book masochist...
Miss Shaolinashaolina on December 4th, 2010 04:33 pm (UTC)
Glad you love it! ^_^

I'm a fellow literary masochist. I started reading Twilight thinking it was going to be ok and I finished the series even when I knew it was horrible. I just can't stop once I start.

I do like the Bree Tanner one, but only because it's funny (in my head-canon, anyway)
LaylasLancasterlaylaslancaster on December 4th, 2010 04:40 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I did like Bree, but it was sad when they burned her....

It's definitely fun bashing and making funny comments on ridiculous writing ;)