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25 July 2010 @ 07:18 pm
The host, chapter 9  

In this chapter Wanderer decides to stop at Picacho Peak to rest who is on her way to Tucson. This causes Melanie to flashback and reveal that that’s where the guys are heading because that’s where Melanie’s cousin Sharon lives. Wanderer gets the info and is thinking what to do about that. The chapter ends with them in front of the place. The end. There, the plot of this chapter.

I want to take the rest of the space to Shaolina’s “It just bugs me” post about the host. But before even that, there’s something I need to do before I can move on with this series. 



[Shaolina is dressed in black next to Eliza and Justin]

Justin: Why are we here?

Shaolina: I want to ask for a moment of silence for Melanie’s character. Every spec of coolness in her is officially dead. We must mourn for the only half decent character this book had to offer, aside from Kevin of course.

Eliza: Oh please, that bitch has been dead since chapter 3. Meyer has just been dragging he half rotten corpse around, shoving her hand up her ass whenever she needed her to talk.

Shaolina: But--but she was so cool after that chapter. I could have forgotten that blunder if she had kept her awesome.

[Shaolina starts crying on Justin’s shoulder. He pats her on the head.]

Eliza: (pinching the bridge of her nose) If you ask me the author finished her off last chapter. May I remind you of the scene where our lustful female almost gave in to passion and our honorable male had to keep her in line?

Shaolina: Yeah, but that was when Jared was around. Now she‘s a spineless braindead female who‘s ok dating a controlling guy who‘s so perfect--

Eliza: And we have our Bella Swan expy! Wonder who’s going to be the next Twilight character to cross over.

Shaolina: (Crying) I have nothing to look forward to when I read this!

Justin: There, there. Maybe the next expy will be Alice. Everybody seems to like her.

[Shaolina starts crying louder]

Eliza: (covering her ears) Nice going, you idiot.

Justin: (wincing) How was I supposed to know she was going to get worst? (Tapping Shaolina’s shoulder) Maybe things will be better. Sure, they are about to meet Jared and have him around all the time, but we’re also going to meet a new character named Ford. Maybe you will like him.

[Shaolina starts to twitch. Both friend look at each other and run.]



Well, I feel calmer after that. Now on to my list.

1) Meyer doesn’t know how to drive.


“I tried to stay clear of the red canyon in her head, but I was there, too. No matter how hard I tried to see the cars zooming beside me, the shuttles gliding in toward the port, the few, fine clouds drifting overhead, I couldn’t pull completely free of her dreams.”


“I drove almost blindly along the narrow two-lane freeway.”




And then she crashed causing a huge pile up of the highway. 15 souls were killed in an instant with one of them flying off his host‘s nose. Other 8 are in the hospital now struggling to survive. Soul Wanderer was charged and placed forever in shame as the first soul ever to be convicted for murder.

Nah, I wish. But really, an inexperienced driver is driving around plenty of cars with her head in another place. How come she hasn’t crashed yet?!

2) How come Jared gets mentioned first on everything. Jamie’s Melanie’s brother, yet he always take a backseat to Jared if he‘s ever mentioned:

“I memorized Jared’s face from a thousand different angles. I watched Jamie shoot up in a sudden growth spurt, always skin and bones.”


“Almost as if she was trying to distract me, Melanie plunged into a vivid memory of Jared, catching me by surprise.”


3) Melanie/Jared. Just Melanie/Jared.


4) Being told, not shown.

“You and I won’t lose each other,” he promises. “I will always find you again.” Being Jared, he cannot be completely serious for more than a heartbeat or two. “No matter how well you hide. I’m unstoppable at hide-and-seek.”


A) I don’t remember him being a joker before, so stop trying to pass this off as a character quality. You have to establish it through actions first before you can get away with a line like that.


B) I’m not stupid. I can tell it’s a joke. An unfunny joke, but it’s a joke nonetheless. No need to highlight it.

C) Any other thing you want to say before he does it? Maybe “He then started reciting the most beautiful poetry in the world, as he did every Thursday night.”  That’s incredibly annoying to me. Couldn’t she had changed that for an action like “And then he smiled at me” or something like that?

5) Turns out crazy people are the only ones able to notice the body snatching and hid. Which is reasonable in a post apocalyptic world to either “Nut up or shut up.” Yet I doubt she can follow it all the way through.

6) They plan to separate so the enemy can’t keep up with them and they talk about how even apart they are still together, how Melanie better take care of herself (since she has Jared’s heart and all with her) and Jared will find her no matter what. This gets no real emotions from me because:


A) I don’t know Melanie/Jared’s relationship. Yes, we saw scenes with them together, but no real bonding. So I feel no loss just because Meyer tells me to feel it.

B) The emotional tone of this scene and even some of the words reminds me of another scene in another book. Oh, but which one? I can’t tell at all. What book has two lovers separating over a half-baked plan to avoid capture by the bad guys who can track them? The male even saying some of the cheesiest lines in all of cheddar land. Yeah, I give up. I can’t tell at all from where Meyer is cribbing now.

7) We finally get to meet Jamie and it’s a tearful farewell from Melanie. I’m sure it would be very sad too, except I don’t know Jamie! Why? Look at point 2! Plus it’s all how Melanie must be brave to be torn away from her brother (who just got a speaking part after Jared’s 3 very long ones). And I have no idea what this kid’s personality is. Like I know Jared is a pseudo rapist controlling jerk, Melanie is between Bella Swan and her own cool female self, Wanda is a two face over sensitive wimp and Ford is an annoying prick. Heck, even Kevin has shown to be awesome by going berserk at a hospital. Yet this kid’s only trait is that he loves his sister, I guess. That is so generic! Can I get a reason to care for him? Make him like Lilo from Lilo and Stitch. That would be a crazy kid who got along fine in this post apocalyptic world.

8) Meyer sucks at emotional transitions. We’ve seen that with how she has managed Jared/Melanie’s romance so this is no shocker. Yet I really have to put it in here because of Wanderer/Melanie’s relationship. At the end of chapter 7 Wanderer decided to travel to kill Melanie. Now she’s thinking on how to save Melanie from the Seeker. Only thing in between is scene of Melanie wanted to take Jared salt flavored cherry, so I guess it’s salvation through sexual frustration? Guess nobody can die a virgin.

And I know Wanderer says “You happy, now I can’t live without Jared and Jamie” But if she saw the same scenes than me, I don’t really get where she’s coming from. Jamie doesn’t really show up and Jared’s a jerk. If first person is getting into the mind of the narrator and Wanderer is getting into Melanie’s mind, then I should be feeling what Wanderer’s feeling.

I remember when I read the little prince for the first time. I cried for days like a baby. Even now the stars are laughing when I look at the sky and I can picture the little prince taking care of his flower. And guys, that was way over ten years ago. I’m an adult now, I shouldn’t be hearing stars laughing. Yet I really felt what was going on with the narrator and through him with the little prince to the point I cried in French class, first semester, when the professor read the end without telling us it was The little prince. I just knew in my heart he was going back home and.. Ok, now I need to move on before I cry like the wimp I am. Point is, Meyer sucks at emotional transitions. I can’t tell at what point Melanie stops being a pest to Wanderer and starts being and individual. And what’s worst I can’t tell when this happens the other way around and it is worst because of point nine…

9) Melanie is a moron. She spills all her guts on where Sharon is, which could be the last place where humans are that she knows to Wanderer. All of this without them being friends, or swearing to be BFFs or anything. Melanie's reaction?


"I shouldn’t have let you see that,Melanie thought. The faintness of her silent voice gave away her fatigue. The assault of memories, the persuasion and coercion, had tired her.You’ll tell them where to find her. You’ll kill her, too. "

“Yes,” I mused aloud. “I have to do my duty.”


Melanie’s response?


"Why?she murmured, almost sleepily.What happiness will it bring you? "

"I didn’t want to argue with her, so I said nothing. "

Look, while I realize being “mean” all the time is a bad strategy, this is so out of her normal characterization that it‘s not even funny. They haven’t even yet had a heart to heart to merit such a line! What does Melanie care about her usurper’s happiness? Even more so because she just handed her everything she knows on a silver platter, you would think there would be other worries besides Wanderer’s mood in her mind.

And even through her meanness, Melanie always exposed the other side to Wanderer. It would have been more in character to say: “Why? How are they so different from you that deserve to be taken over? If you bring the Seeker in you know it‘ll be violent and aren‘t you all for peace? Let them be peaceful! And you love Jamie and Jared now, why not let them have their own life? You ran from the Comforter‘s office for a reason, you don‘t want that at all.”

And cherry on top of Melanie’s stupid Sunday? Melanie’s reaction on Wanderer finding out the way she’s heading probably has normal humans:



"He’ll [Jared] have figured it out, too, even if they never found Sharon. I know Jared will have put it together. He’s smarter than me, and he has the picture; he probably saw the answer before I did."


Because, you know, Jared has a superior brain since he has a penis and everyone knows the Y chromosome is the intelligence chromosome.


I don’t mind a guy being smarter than a girl in some areas. Everybody is smarter than everybody in some areas. What bugs me is the fact no girl is smarter than her guy or is more useful in some way in Meyerland. Once you have a guy you depend on him on everything.

Also, Sharon has been hiding in her house all this time and Melanie had a map to get there, but she didn’t figure it out until years later with the help of Jared mentioning it could be a map. She didn’t even realized it could be a map until she just remembered that Jared said that and thought “Hey, it really could be a map” which made her realize Sharon was in her home all this time.

Well, geez, thank heavens for Jared or else Melanie wouldn’t know what to do with herself.

10) Love in this series! You know what might save the day folks? The fact that Wanderer is SOOO in love with Jared that she‘s really thinking on betraying her race (and no mention on her loving Jamie at all). Yeah, a guy will be the reason for her to be a traitor. What? You though the friendship across two very distinct races would create a bridge between their worlds? Get real! Here is all about sudden love syndrome with a man so perfect that even a giant caterpillar falls for him.

Oh, if only this were about Leah, Fred and Kevin fighting aliens. That would have been an awesome book.

(Chapter 10, part 1)

Feeling: annoyedannoyed
Carakaslacarakasla on July 26th, 2010 03:52 am (UTC)
Don't worry, Shaolina, there should still be the Leah expy. The awesome power of women cannot escape Meyer, even if she torments them. Maybe this Sharon person will be the Leah expy? It seems like she's been hiding out in her house in the middle of nowhere by herself for years. And don't forget Seth! Maybe Jamie is his expy.

Why is Jared so cool anyways? I don't get it. He's suppose to be hotter than the sun, but, I had a (slightly) better idea of what Edward looked like. What does he llllooooooooookkkkk lllliiiiikkkkkeeeeee??????? I get he's 'older' but seriously, thats not a physical trait.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 26th, 2010 07:54 pm (UTC)
From your keyboards through a wormhole to Meyer's mind. I really could use a cool female character about now since Melanie just died on me. I blame it on Jared, really. When he's away the whole story gets a bit better.

Jared is Edward with a tan since when described we just get beautiful.
Carakaslacarakasla on July 26th, 2010 09:30 pm (UTC)
I'm still placing hope on Sharon. Can't go and hide in god knows where, by herself (I'm assuming since an uncle was not mentioned, and we all know Meyer would have mentioned the uncle first) successfully hiding from parasites that have taken over the world. Probably living off the land *dreamily hopeful*. Bitch has to be a strong woman. But, she won't backhand Melanie though, which she needs. God forbid we see some good old fashion dicipline in these books.

So...he has auburn(?) hair, topaz eyes, looks like he hasn't slept ever, and a bruised nose? Plus a tan instead of the epic paleness? Wonder if he's rock hard too, and cold. BWHAHAHAHA.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 26th, 2010 09:44 pm (UTC)
Uncle was mentioned in flashback so he could be there, but I will have to wait until I get there. I'm still for a batshit insane woman with a shotgun who shoots at Melanie when she meets her. I will be all up for that. And if she verbally and/or physically smacks these two girls, I will make her a shrine between Kevin and Fred's.

I picture a California surfer dude type. You know, the ones with bleached hair, overcooked skin and a silly grin. He does get described as tired, invasion and all, and his eyes are think are sienna, which is very similar to the topaz color Meyer had in mind. The Seeker is a cruel short woman with a skinny body and a tan. So really, Jared and the Seeker are Edward and Jane after a trip to California back in the 90's when being a surfer dude was totally righteous. Those must have been annoying days for Aro who could never get into the fad.
Carakaslacarakasla on July 26th, 2010 09:52 pm (UTC)
I never read 'The Host' nor will I ever. So, I'm as clueless as you. I'm grasping at straws. I hope Sharon brings out the shotgun, since it will bring lulz and actually be realistic, invasion and all. I will love Sharon if she did that. *Huggles Leah* I still love her. ^-^ Especially for the freak out on Bella.

Poor Aro, he just wants to be a decent villian in a better story, but alas, he is stuck with this idiot author.

Tee hee, I know people say that 'The Host' is 'Twilight' for Sci-Fi people, but I think it's actually this: 'The Host: Twilight with Tans (and Parasites!)'
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 26th, 2010 10:05 pm (UTC)
I will decalre it the best chapter ever if she brings a shotgun and shoots at them.

I'm all for Leah hugging. She's the best Twilight character Meyer did. True, in my list of favorite female characters ever, she's not in my top 25, but she's #1 favorite female character made by Meyer.

And yes, this is Twilight with tans and parasites. Last chapter made that painfully obvious. Which is why The host doesn't have a great following. The Twilight fangirls usually don't like sci-fi and sci-fi fans aren't big on Twilight.

Honestly, don't read it. The prose is a bit better, but the characters, plot and ideas make me facepalm. Everyone is just out playing beach volleyball with the idiot ball. It's bad enough that I'm reading it. XD Although I do try to show what's going on in a consice and amusing manner.
Carakaslacarakasla on July 26th, 2010 10:25 pm (UTC)
:O That would be so awesome! But Meyer won't do it, it's 'too violent' *rolls eyes*.

Oh yes, Leah kicks ass in that series. Especially with the Bella bashing. I wished everyone didn't attack her when she did it. I could see Edward being pissy, but Jacob should have backed her up. Rosalie was pretty neat too, with some tweaking of course.

Bwhahaha, that should be the official name now. We all know everyone but Meyer wasn't suprised that 'The Host' failed so miserably. No wonder she went back and wrote TSSLoBT.

I will never read it, you make it amusing enough. There is no way I could XD. Just, how long is it?!
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 26th, 2010 10:34 pm (UTC)
I'm not surprised at Jacob not backing her up. The jerk did battle block her in Eclipse (the book, they changed the scene in the movie). And Rose has the potential to be awesome. I love bitchy female characters when done right. Jordan from Scrubs, Azula from Avatar and Adora Belle from Discworld are example of bitchy characters I just love.

I'll admit I loved TSSLoBT, but with good reason! It is the most unintentionally funny book I have read this year. Last year was Silk and Steel. I was laughing so hard until it went over to copy/paste from Eclipse. Then I just groaned at the canon rape and just wanted Bree to die already.

I'm glad I'm making it amusing enough. XD It's 60 chapters long. I'm spending around 2 months with this book, give or take days I have to take off for real life reasons.
Carakaslacarakasla on July 26th, 2010 10:47 pm (UTC)
I want pre-fursplode Jacob >.<, he was full of win. I think Bella is a disease, she destroys all of the win. Jacob, Charlie, the Volturi, Rosalie. Damn, Leah escaped before she got sick. Bella IS like Wanda, LOL. They are both parasites.

Like I've said (somewhere) before. TSSLoBT was written because everyone was bitching about Midnight Sun and 'Eclipse' was coming out, and everyone wants Twilight, plus 'The Host' failed. As much as she says she's 'tired of vampires' she will never escape it. I'd be sad, then I remember how much of a horrible writer she is, then I laugh.

Dear god, 60?! And I thought I was going nuts with 'Breaking Dawn' and going 'dear god...how many chapters is this?!'...wait, that book sucked ass. Never mind.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 26th, 2010 10:56 pm (UTC)
I think the real problem is Meyer. She sucks at giving attention to her characters. Jacob was better the less important he was, so are Rose and Charlie. Emmet is still cool because he gets no real attention aside from his little moments. I used to feel sorry for Bree until she got her novella, now I don't care. And Leah is awesome because she's everything that Meyer seems to hate in women as is Jessica. It's obvious by the way Jessica gets treated vs sweet ol' Angela and submissive Emily vs fiery Leah. Women are best when they are quiet and submissive after all.

I've also said that. When you read the book vs canon, it just doesn't make sense in some parts. It doesn't really fit. Plus Victoria's plans look a bit silly when given attention.

Yep, 60. I'll be 1/6 through this mess next chapter.
Carakaslacarakasla on July 26th, 2010 11:11 pm (UTC)
Yes, it was like this piece of advice I gave someone a while back: When you create your characters and writing your story, you need to take yourself out. Let your characters navigate the plot you put out for them, and leave them to figure it out themselves. Too much tampering from yourself and...you get the 'Twilight Series'.

I've always hated that. Sure, I'm a quiet person, but that doesn't mean I'm not independent, with my own opinions and a seperate person from my boyfriend. You can be in a relationship and not lose yourself, like Bella, Emily, and Melanie did.

Hence why TSSLoBT shouldn't have been written, it didn't add anything to the universe or to the story. It was useless to something useless. Victoria's plan had potential, despite the stupidity of the characters, then that novella came out.

Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 26th, 2010 11:51 pm (UTC)
I do just that. I don't play favorites with my stories, nor I insert myself or the sort. I focus on the story and let it be what it is. If you tamper with it you break the reality you are trying to make.

Hey, I'm a quiet girl too. I'm very shy when meeting new people or going to a new place. Still, I'm not submissive and will stand up for myself. There's so much crap Bella puts up that I would have not unless I feared for my life or for those who I love.

I still stand by the novella as a comedy though. Also as a great drinking game. Just take a shot everytime Bree's logic fails, Diego/Riley is canon and Bree asks "Where is Diego?" (Make sure to have a phone with 91 already dialed in though, just in case). But as a book it really was a new level of fail, even for this series.

Ew is so not the word I was thinking. XD