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23 June 2010 @ 06:45 pm
Part nine of the Bree Tanner spork  

In which we still not see the fight of Eclipse proving once again how Meyer sucks.

  Last time we saw Bree Riley just lied (again) and tried to ditch the fight. Bree catches him and he is able to sneak his way out by uttering the magic word: Diego. Bree runs into the fight because he is totally alive, after all Riley said so.

Bree runs around the forest looking desperately for Diego. She needs to find him now and tell him that Riley died. But the smell of the human is over powering her and the smoke is driving her crazy. Oh, where is Diego. All there is is a giant vampire tearing heads and kicking butt (Hi, Emmet! Man, I’ve missed you!) But no sign of Diego, who is supposed to be here.

(At this point we're not picky, just have him show up already so Bree can shut up)

    So after one quick scan of what is a battle between vampires and werewolves (who are not seen, by the way) a miracle happens! Bree’s brain starts working for a second and she realizes that Diego being here was... a lie. No way, really Bree? I never would have guessed that!
    Once that horrible truth out, guess which way she reacts:

1) She turns around and runs away to meet Fred. She’s sad but mourning right then and there is not smart.
2) Decides life is meaningless without Diego and begs to be killed in a way it doesn’t look like she wants to die.
3) Eats pie.

    For those who guessed number two, you win. She just kneels and sobs “Please!” without stating out loud the very important kill me part. 
    Sobfest gets interrupted though when out of nowhere Carlisle smacks her against a tree.

(So that's where Edward learned to smack Bella for her own good)

    Once that is over Carlisle gets his compassionate mojo on. This dazzles Bree into saying “I’m sorry” a hundred times. Esme then shows up and is all wifely with Carlisle who is still in “ready to attack” mode. Turns out the newborns lost and pretty much everyone on the “good side” is fine. And again we didn’t see any fighting aside from one sentence with Emmet.
    What was the point of this book?! We don’t see Bree transformed, we don’t see Bree crazy, we don’t see real thirst, we don’t see the training and we don’t see the fight! This is the most pointless book of this series. Although I do have hope that the movie will fix it a bit, at least. We see Riley hip thrusting his transformation away and we’ll at least see some of the fighting.
    Anyway, Carlisle tells her that she has nothing to fear and that she’ll be fine with him (Considering I read Eclipse... yeah). Jasper then shows up and gets all pissy with Bree. The conversation is pretty much:
Jasper: I don’t like this newborn. Newborns are evil.
Jasper: I don’t care. I want her dead.
Esme: I refuse. I refuse! I refuse! (This is how Esme’s powers work then?)
Carlisle: Look, I think we should let her keep her. I’m sure she’ll take good care of her.
Jasper: She’s bound to get us into trouble with the ineffectual vampire police.
Carlisle: No choice unless you want her sobbing for months and treating you like babies instead.
Jasper: (growl) Well, I don’t want that. Last cycle of hers she made us wear diapers. (Groan) Fine, but I get to kill her if she steps out of line.
Bree: Um, hi... I’m still here.
Jasper: Shut it leech!
Esme: Yay! Be sure to be nice to your new baby sister.
jasper: (evil smile) No worries, I will.

    So Jasper takes her into custody (great idea guys, let her with the man advocating killing her). He tells her to shut her eyes  and to follow the sound of his voice until they reach a clearing full of smoke. All the while he’s being really mean to her and provoking her, too bad for him that Bree is too sad to jump at him and smack him. Jasper is even trying to affect her mood and make her jump him. It’s like when my little sister pushes my brother so he will push her so she can cry and get him into trouble. Well, except that instead of no pokemon soulsilver  Bree would get torn apart and cast away into the fire with her fellow newborns. You know, the same fire that is around her.
    But no worries since Bree is too busy imagining Diego torn to pieces to attack Jasper. I guess that’s Meyer's way of reminding the audience that Riley and Victoria are the real bad guys and Jasper is A-ok. Whatever. It does give me a little treat:

That night, I’d been sure that something had changed in Riley. Killing Diego was what had changed Riley, had hardened him. I believed only one thing that Riley had ever told me: he had valued Diego more than any of the rest of us. Had even been fond of him. And yet he’d watched our creator hurt him. No doubt he’d helped her. Killed Diego with her. 

    Yes, I imagine killing the one you love out of misguided loyalty is sure to be depressing. All those days together, all those loving glances and trusting moments will never come back. What a sad love story.
    Moving away from the slash and back into the plot, Bree keeps thinking about how much torture must have Diego endured for him to spill the beans on them. Why would Riley even wonder about Bree? I have no idea. I guess he figured he could control Fred through Bree, too bad Fred is smart enough to ditch these idiots.
    Next, Bree ponders some more before she hears screaming. She almost opens her eyes out of reflex but Jasper goes into snarling mode. That is enough to make her sit still like a good little girl and start thinking about   how Riley lied to them. Because, you know, he’s the only one being a prick to her in this story.
    O-kay, I really have to ask why is Jasper in charge of taking care of Bree instead of Esme? She’s the one who whined about it and Jasper said several times he wanted to kill her! He even said if she stepped out of line he would kill her. I’m still waiting for him to take a stick and poke with with it.
    The Carlisle starts helping Jacob, who is brought hurt and all. Bree tries to see who is this but the lavender smoke is covering the wolf smell. Huh, do you guys think the aromatic industry would fund vampire hunting just to sell their ashes? They seem to be very potent and a little goes a long way.
    Suddenly somebody grabs Bree, making her jump out of reflex. It was Jasper and he manhandles her down because how dare she move. He even holds her head ready to break her neck and tells her to close her eyes. So much for being kind! Where is Esme anyway? My God, that woman is so useless.
    Bree goes back to imagining Diego with the added bonus of Fred (who thank heavens is in Canada and did not come back for Bree!) Then the wolves leave, I guess. Since Bree is blind and deaf (from Jasper holding her head) it’s a bit fuzzy. All she can do is smell lavender, which is creepy because that’s Kristie, Raoul and the whole gang.
    So we leave this spork with Bree and Bella about to face each other and the Volturi are on their way. Until next time this is Shaolina signing out.

(Last part of the Bree Tanner spork)

Feeling: apatheticapathetic
zelda_queenzelda_queen on June 23rd, 2010 11:14 pm (UTC)
Well, at least Bree will be dead soon. I really don't know who Meyer thinks she's kidding with this "suspense". Although I also have no idea why the Cullens are keeping Bree around for the Volturi. Couldn't they hide her somewhere and bring her back out when the Catholics are gone? (Yes, looks like Mervin's still right, the Cullens are just horrible).

XD And good for Fred, having the sense to get the hell out of this story! Run Fred, escape to a better fandom!
Miss Shaolinashaolina on June 24th, 2010 01:37 am (UTC)
Thing is that I don't even care if Bree lives or dies. She inspires nothing in me. The only character I ever cared about was Fred. (Well, I guess gay-Diego too. That's very bad since writers should aim to have people feel for their characters.

I have no idea. My mind gave up trying to figure out the point of this novella. If Meyer had really explored vampirim or tried to do fight scenes than I would defend this a little, but she does nothing that she hasn't done already.

They are horribly stupid. When they aren't being psychos they are being morons... and sometimes they are both. Mervin is always right when it comes to things like this, but I just don't take this novella seriously enough to rant like that. Plus not everyone can make rage-rants as awesome as that. I feel I'm better when i stick to the lighter side of life. XD

Fred = awesomeness (Wow, I can say that about a character made by Meyer and really mean it). I'm glad he's gone before he could be ruined.