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01 August 2010 @ 06:35 pm
Evermore (Part 1 of 2)  
"What? Evermore? Weren't you going to do House of Night and where's part 2 of The host?!"

Well gentle reader the answer to that is yes starting next week and I said I would post it tomorrow, didn't I? Somebody just linked me to the excerpt of this series and I just couldn't help myself. To be honest I needed this. This gives me the same feelings Bree Tanner gave me. It's bad guys, no lie, but I was laughing as I read on. I could so do a dramatic reading of this book and I can't hate things that make me laugh.


Chapter One

"The only secret people keep is immortality."
   —Emily Dickinson

 >That and the fact everyone has danced to a pop singer song at least once.

“Guess who?"

>No, thank you. I’m more of a checkers kind of girl.

Haven's warm clammy palms press hard against my cheeks, as the tarnished edge of her silver skull ring leaves a smudge on my skin. And even though my eyes are covered and closed, I know that her dyed black hair is parted in the middle, her black vinyl corset is worn over a turtleneck (keeping in compliance with our school's dress code policy),

> A corset and a turtleneck? … … … HAHAHAHAHA!! Does anybody have pictures of that? Maybe it’s because I’m not really a fashionista, but the way I picture that is a big fashion fail.

 her brand new, floor sweeping, black satin skirt already has a hole near the hem where she caught it with the toe of her Doc Martin boots, and her eyes appear gold but that's only because she's wearing yellow contacts.

> Wow, does she write depressingly bad poetry, claims to worship Satan without really doing anything about that and abuses the black eyeliner? This girl is trying way too hard.

>Also, what’s with the long descriptions of looks? Tidbits here and there that actually show her personality throughout the story would work better.

I also know her dad isn't really away on "business" like he said, her mom's personal trainer is way more "personal" than "trainer," and her little brother

>Is being a “player” with his PS3 and Xbox360.

 broke her Evanescence CD but he's too afraid to tell her.

>After all Haven would sacrifice his soul to the pagan gods of her choosing because she’s a goth and that’s what all Goths do.

But I don't know any of this from spying or peeking or even being told. I know because I'm psychic.

>Wow, story, way to show instead of tell! I guess easing into the story and the characters is for lame-o authors.

>Also, nice empathy for your friend’s broken ho—oh, wait there’s none. Never mind.

"Hurry! Guess! The bells gonna ring!"

>O-kay, is she being serious about this? Because if she is then she’s an idiot.

she says, her voice hoarse, raspy, like she smokes a pack a day, even though she only tried it once.

>(as Main character) And look at her man hands. She could crush a pineapple with her index finger and thumb. And don’t get me started on her pig nose! When she snorts I just want to get her into a mudpit.

I stall, thinking of the last person she'd ever want to be mistaken for. "Is it Hilary Duff?"

>Wow, talk about jokes that will never get old. I'm sure the newer generations know who she is.

"Ew. Guess again!" She presses tighter, having no idea that I don't have to see to know.

>Or the fact that as a friend you would recognize her voice or way of talking. Miss, I would appreciate if you wouldn’t try to flaunt your powers in the stupidest way possible. If you were seeing her through a wall, for example, I might be more impressed.

"Is it Mrs. Marilyn Manson?"

She laughs and lets go, licking her thumb and aiming for the tarnish tattoo she left on my cheek, but I raise my hand and beat her to it. Not because I'm grossed out by the thought of her saliva (I mean, I know she's healthy),

>O-kay, ew, what do you mean by that?

but because I don't want her to touch me again. Touch is too revealing, too exhausting, so I try to avoid it at all costs.

>Dear author, would you mind showing this instead of info dumping me? I would like to actually read a story at some point? An interesting one if it isn’t too hard. Att, Miss Shaolina.

She grabs the hood of my sweatshirt and flicks it off my head, then squints at my earbuds and asks, "What're you listening to?"

I reach inside the iPod pocket I've stitched into all of my hoodies, concealing those ubiquitous white cords from faculty view, then I hand it over and watch her eyes bug out when she says, "What the? I mean, can it be any louder? And who is that?" She dangles the iPod between us so we can both hear Sid Vicious screaming about anarchy in the UK. And the truth is, I don't know if Sid's for it or against it. I just know that he's almost loud enough to dull my overly heightened senses.

> Now, while I appreciate this little tidbit about her powers and how she deals with them, I can’t shake the feeling this could have been done better. Show her getting a taste for this kind of music, experiment with different genres. Maybe you can change loudness with catchiness, since loud music would leave her deaf before she hits her midlife crisis. Reveal this a bit later so we can get used to the whole psychic thing and explore it as the story moves on.

"Sex pistols," I say, clicking it off and returning it to my secret compartment.

"I'm surprised you could even hear me." She smiles at the same time the bell rings.

>While I appreciate that the author is not doing so far the whole DESPAIR personality so many authors like to give to Goths, as if all of them were like that, why is this girl acting like an overly cheerful twat instead? Maybe she’ll get better as the story goes on, but so far Haven is annoying me.

But I just shrug. I don't need to listen to hear. Though it's not like I mention that. I just tell her I'll see her at lunch and head toward class, making my away across campus and cringing when I sense these two guys sneaking up behind her,

>Wait, is this how her powers work? Are you sensing or seeing? An you still see ahead when “seeing” since there’s no mention of you stopping at all.

 stepping on the hem of her skirt, and almost making her fall. But when she turns and makes the sign of evil

> It was two fingers up her nose as she sucked her pinkie.

>But seriously, what? What sign of evil?

 (okay, it's not really the sign of evil, it's just something she made up)

>(facepalm) Do I really need to say anything about that? She’s not a goth, she’s a poser dork pretending to be a goth because she thinks it’s super fun and she only got the idea after watching Disney channel and Nick movies.

 and glares at them with her yellow eyes, they immediately back off and leave her alone.

>(as guys) Whoa, talk about an eye infection. Let’s run before we catch it!

 And I breathe a sigh of relief as I push into class, knowing it won't be long before the lingering energy of Haven's touch fades.

I head toward my seat in the back, avoiding the purse Stacia Miller has purposely placed in my path, while ignoring her daily serenade of "LOOO-SER!" she croons under her breath.

>What? No “Loser-loser, double loser, as if, get the picture, duh”?

Then I slide onto my chair, retrieve my book, notebook, and pen from my bag, insert my earpiece, pull my hood back over my head, drop my backpack on the empty seat beside me, and wait for Mr. Robins to show.

> (as Main character) Do I look like a tormented teen or what?

Mr. Robins is always late. Mostly because he likes to take a few nips from his small silver flask between classes. But that's only because his wife yells at him all the time, his daughter thinks he's a loser, and he pretty much hates his life. I learned all of that on my first day at this school, when my hand accidentally touched his as I gave him my transfer slip. So now, whenever I need to turn something in, I just leave it on the edge of his desk. 

>Again, SHOW!! Couldn’t we get this little exposition here after actually seeing him arrive late? Maybe show him give class a bit unfocused, or confused and while everyone just thinks he’s forgetful then get this infodump?  

I close my eyes and wait, my fingers creeping inside my sweatshirt, switching the song from screaming Sid Vicious to something softer, smoother, all that loud noise is no longer necessary now that I'm in class. I guess the small student/teacher ratio keeps the psychic energy somewhat contained.

>Huh? How does that work? Wow, for all of the exposition we’ve been getting, and we’ve been getting it by the tons, I don’t get that. Why is she not getting vibes from Vickie who likes Raoul, but he’s interested because he’s too busy two-timing Sonia with Angela and this semester they both have a class with him. Why doesn’t she have anything to worry about when you are surrounded by people that could touch you by walking down the aisles or passing notes and papers?

I wasn't always a freak. I used to be a normal teen. The kind who went to school dances, had celebrity crushes, and was so vain about my long blond hair I wouldn't dream of scraping it back into a ponytail and hiding beneath a big hooded sweatshirt. I had a mom, a dad, a little sister named Riley,

>Who went out to get a sex change to please her boyfriend Diego from a woman named Victoria.

and a sweet yellow lab named Buttercup. I lived in a nice house, in a good neighborhood, in Eugene, Oregon. I was popular, happy, and could hardly wait for junior year to begin since I'd just made Varsity cheerleader. My life was complete, and the sky was the limit. And even though that last part is a total cliché,

>Oh, I don’t know. Were you also cheerleader captain and homecoming queen?

it's also ironically true.

Yet all of that's just hearsay as far as I'm concerned. Because ever since the accident, the only thing I can clearly remember is dying.

* * *

>Muahhahahaha!! My snowflake cloning experiment is a success! Now I can take over the entire tri-state area!

I had what they call an NDE, or "near death experience."

>Wait, why did we need the transition for this? This is just the exposition to the previous paragraph.

Only they happen to be wrong. Because believe me, there wasn't anything "near" about it. It's like, one moment my little sister Riley and I were sitting in the back of my dad's SUV, with Buttercup's head resting on Riley's lap, while his tail thumped softly against my leg, and the next thing I knew all the airbags were blown, the car was totaled, and I was observing it all from outside.

> And I can’t shake the feeling all of this would be sadder if we had been there instead of just passing it by as “Well, that’s my back story, now let’s move on.” I read this and I feel nothing for the bloody corpses among the broken glass and bent metal. Only way to redeem a scene like that is to find out it wasn’t the truth at all.

I gazed at the wreckage—the shattered glass, the crumbled doors, the front bumper clutching a pine tree in a lethal embrace—wondering what went wrong as I hoped and prayed everyone had gotten out too. Then I heard a familiar bark, and turned to see them all wandering down a path, with Buttercup wagging her tail and leading the way.

>  I guess all dogs do know the way to heaven.

I went after them. At first trying to run and catch up, but then slowing and choosing to linger. Wanting to wander through that vast fragrant field of pulsating trees and flowers that shivered, closing my eyes against the dazzling mist that reflected and glowed and made everything shimmer.

>Welcome to Meypire forest, where every tree is set to dazzle.

I promised myself I'd only be a moment. That soon, I'd go back and find them. But when I did finally look, it was just in time to catch a quick glimpse of them smiling and waving and crossing a bridge, mere seconds before they all vanished.

>(As Riley) C’mon guys, if we hurry we can ditch her. I am not spending eternity fixing my sister’s hair and massaging her feet.

I panicked. I looked everywhere. Running this way and that, but it all looked the same—warm, white, glistening, shimmering, beautiful, stupid, eternal mist.

>(as Main character) Stupid portal to heaven where God might be watching me debating if he should press the “Send to hell” button or not.

 And I fell to the ground, my skin pricked with cold, my whole body twitching, crying screaming, cursing, begging,

>pulling my hair, stretching my arms, hoping on one foot…

 making promises I knew I could never ever keep.

>Like going to church every Sunday, cleaning my room or say I actually liked Avatar the last airbender.

And when I heard someone say, "Ever? Is that your name?

>Ever? Do hospital still allow for drugged up mothers to name their kids?

Open your eyes and look at me."

I stumbled back to the surface. Back to where everything was pain, and misery,

>And, like, so totally annoying!

 and stinging wet hurt on my forehead.

>Stinging what?

 And I gazed at the guy leaning over me, looked into his dark eyes and whispered, "I'm Ever," before passing out again.

>Last name: After.

That's all for today folks. See ya in the next and last part. Until then this is Shaolina logging out!

(Part 2)

Feeling: mischievousmischievous
(Anonymous) on August 6th, 2010 09:48 am (UTC)
Hey, pen name is Valkyrie,what's up?
My God! It's fate! The Lord hath save me!
Okay, fine, don't agree with me that it's of a higher power that you decide to spork, in my opinion, the worst three series I have ever read.
I'm serious.
I own(ed) the Twilight Series (Saga?). They got sold when I reviewed them as complete $#@^*#!$@!^^#.
The House of Night? I've been reading them from the library (I will never make the "buy the book first" mistake again.) It's almost, just almost as bad as Twilight. Zoey the protagonist/Mary Sue is disgusting and I am currently reviewing that series now. I suppose you could call it sporking on word ;) You will not be disappointed with how bad it is, I say HORRIBLE.
But now Evermore? The most cliche "Beautiful blond-haired, blue-eyed, speshel snowflake, dead family-ed girl meets black-wearing, rich, drop-dead-gorgeous, perfect guy" piece of shit that could stand next to Twilight looking proud? It's fate.
Wanna know what the creepy, weird, fate-y thing is?
When I was halfway through your Midnight Sun Spork I was thinking "She should definitely read House of Night, my God it's awful."
And now your sporking it.
Wanna know what is also frickin' creepy?
I was leafing through Evermore and Blue Moon (Book Two)(Yes I own them and am currently sealing them.)and thought "Damn, she should spork this pile of %&$@%*?!#."
And here we are.
These are literally the worst books I have EVER read.(Aside from a few others like Cassandra Clares book one City of Bones and, books two and three, and things like Vampire Academy that have gotten cliched.)
Well done for suffering through this and please note my warning. HORRIBLE.
Also, and sorry, I can never resist, but have you ever said anything like "This sounds like a 12-year-old (fan)girl write it."?
I hate when people do that. I'm twelve-years-old. And of the female persuasion. Heh -unamused-. According to my teach I have some kind of writing... talent... thing and am... mature. -shivers-
Teachers creep me out like clowns.
Just... -awkward- ... please don't underestimate all, err, twelve year old... girls. Apparently I write like I'm in college. Heh. Damn that sounded conceited. Well I'm trying to make a point.
Okay, this is your girl Valkyrie out.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on August 6th, 2010 05:30 pm (UTC)
Re: Awesome!
Hi Valkyrie. Well I'm glad you like my picks. XD Although technically I'm not doing Twilight since it has been done by several people already and all very good. Instead I decided on The host since it's made by the same author yet not really explored and her side stories (Bree Tanner, Midnight Sun and eventually Prom nights from hell). I'm not doing Evermore completely since I don't have the book and I am so not buying it as hilariously bad as it is. If I can get a copy from my YA-loving friends then I'll go on. I might get lucky, knowing my friend's tastes as I do.

And City of Bones? I can honestly say I haven't heard of it. Is that a Young Adult book? To be honest I usually avoid that section like a plague, even though I am a young adult. XD I read some children's with my baby siblings and everything else really (although I am a huge fan of fantasy). The series I know are through my friends. They were the ones who told me "How great Twilight is." Yeah... no, just no.

You review books? Are your reviews online? I wouldn't mind reading them.

And I can see why that expression exists. When I was your age I was into Inuyasha and back then that series was a huge thing and the most vocal group were around the 12-16 age group. Most of the crappy fanfiction came from them too and it involved them dating a character while tormenting Kikyo. Still, I wasn't like that and neither were many of my friends.

It's the same thing with Twilight. Not every 12 year old girl loves it, but when you see the fangirls they fall into that group. And it's not like boys can do better. Just look at Eragon, which is male wish fulfillment. Just keep doing what you're doing and don't let things like that bother you. Best way to deal with that is showing them how wrong it is when talking about you.
(Anonymous) on August 7th, 2010 03:28 am (UTC)
Re: Awesome!
Hey, thanks for the great reply. I read all the Das Sporkings and Zelda Queens works and when I got to you I just had to comment.(All three of you are Awesome!) City of Bones series is like, hmmm... I don't know what I should compare it too. Definitely not as bad as twilight but not as impressionable as alot of other books I've seen. The purple prose suck but at least the characters come off as kinda real and not flawless.
Thanks for the advice and no, I only review things on Word or for school assignments. (I have way too many files of stuff there.) Something to keep improving my writing and Eclipse is currently being hacked away at. And, yeah, the fangirls do fall into that group lol.
Anyway, I forgot to mention, do you know any funny reviews and/or sporks (of Twilight books, Bree Tanner, Midnight Sun or just bad books in general) like yours, Das Mervins, Zelda Queens and Growing Up Cullen? Or even some fics like Mervins throughout Twilight would be great. Hope I'm not asking for too much, lol :D
Thanks again, Valkyrie.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on August 8th, 2010 03:56 am (UTC)
Re: Awesome!
(blush) Now now, flattery will get you everywhere with me. XD But seriously, thanks for the compliment. It's very sweet of you.

As for funny reviews I know quite a lot. Here's a list.

From lulz fans:

Cleolinda: http://cleoland.pbworks.com/Twilight
Jack: http://jack-rowen.livejournal.com/tag/twilight

From a mormon:

Stoney: http://stoney321.livejournal.com/317176.html

From first time readers:

Mark: http://markreadstwilight.buzznet.com/user/
Dan: http://community.sparknotes.com/index.php/2009/07/16/blogging-twilight-index-page/

http://my.spill.com/profiles/blogs/new-moon-audio-review (They also have Eclipse)

http://spoonyexperiment.com/2009/11/22/vlog-11-22-09-new-moon/ (He also did Elipse)

That should keep you busy for a while. XD Have fun!
(Anonymous) on August 9th, 2010 09:28 am (UTC)
Re: Awesome!
Hol-y bleep. THIS. IS. GREAT. THANK YOU!
You've got me LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!
I started snorting sprite through my nose once I got to the fourth one. LOL.
(Anonymous) on August 9th, 2010 10:08 am (UTC)
Re: Awesome!
Oh, yeah, that's the reason Edward's so pale. It's because he spends all his time angsting and brooding over his computer, playing world of warcraft, with the curtains drawn. He's a total scrabble nazi on family game night, too. And he insists on keeping th curtains closed AT ALL TIMES.

His "pecs rant", hilereous. Bella and Jacob are best friends and THIS IS THEIR FRIENDSHIP? Well JEEZ! I'm only 12 and my best friend is a guy a year older than me who hardly ever speaks, smiles once in a blue moon, whom I've known practicaly since I was born and this is THEIR relationship? Right THERE? Bella, gross, you cocktease. Even I know when someone leads someone else on and I've only got about 3 friends. YOU BEING SHY IS NO EXCUSE!

Herpies? Wait, wha-
Oh my God. It all makes sense. HERPIES is the metaphor for VAMPIRE. You could tell the same freaking story-with all the "vampires" just having herpies!
Valkyrie: -mutters- Just give it to her already.

Ever heard of Avenue Q? The adult-ish puppet musical?
They've got a song called If You Were Gay. It should be Jacobs theme song. And Edwards.
Rod (Puppet 1, P1) Nicky (Puppet 2, P2) Or, even better, Edward and Emmett (Because Emmett's Awesome)

P1: -sigh- An afternoon alone with my favourite book. Broadway Musicals of the Nineteen Fourtys. No roomate (Emmett) to bother me. How could it get any better than this?
P2:-Door opens- Hi. Rod!
P1:-Disgruntled, scowling and pouting- Hi, Nicky.
P2:Hey, Rod. You'll never guess what happened to me on the subway this morning. This guy (Jacob, If you like) was SMILING at me and TALKING to me.
P1:-Still pissy- Hm, that's VERY interesting. -little sarcasm-
P2: Yep he was being REAL friendly. And, heh, I think he was coming on to me. I think, he might have thought, that I
(Anonymous) on August 9th, 2010 10:16 am (UTC)
Re: Awesome!
...that I was GAY.
P1: -Coughs- So w-why you telling me this, huh? Why should I care? I don't care. What'd you have for lunch today?
P2: Weeell, you don't have to get all defensive abou-
P1: I'M NOT GETTING DEFENCIVE! -Because he so obviously ISN'T-

And from the rest onward Nicky (P2)Starts singing If You Were Gay, that'd be okaaaay, because your dear-to- me. If you were queer, I'd still be heeere, to tell you it's okay, you were just born that way and as they say, It's in your DNA, your gaaaaaaay.
P2: If you WERE gay.

Sigh. There should be a musical parody of Twilight with Avenue Q songs.
(Anonymous) on August 10th, 2010 02:11 am (UTC)
Re: Awesome!
Huh, that Vampires Suck movie IS real. Coming out in 8 days. Sweet!