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22 July 2010 @ 12:12 pm
The host, chapter 8 (part 2)  


Welcome to another sporking of “This is not Twilight, I swear.” Shaolina is still in a stupid comma and Justin bailed so I’m all alone. In the last chapter we learned how souls have instinctive driving powers since Wanderer is driving to Tucson without ever taking a class, doing it slowly on a highway and is mind probing Melanie as she does so taking her into her memories. How she hasn’t crashed yet I don’t know. Now let’s see what this memory is all about.



So we start by learning that Jared owns the little house on the prairie even before the attacks. His father was conveniently a hermit who had a disdain for anything modern including pipes, toilets and “file permits and other pesky stuff like that.” I wonder if he would care about pesky stuff like that when the fines and eviction notices start rolling in.


Jared tells them to make themselves at home and Jamie does so by going right to bed. Because, you know, getting to know the kid would distract us from the compelling love story we are about to get. As everybody knows family is just too distracting. Also, they’ve been together for a month in the cabin,. Either that was an awkward month or a badly done time skip.

Melanie then starts gushing about how beautiful Jared is-- beautiful? Really? I’m not sure guys appreciate an adjectives that can be given to rainbows, flowers and unicorns. Why not use handsome or attractive? Jared responds in an even more annoying way by saying he’d rather die than be away from Melanie. So does that mean Jared’s dead and we won’t see him.

Now we’re going to play a game. I will tell you the next scene with plot points and quotes and you will guess from where Meyer ripped it off. Ready? You have to pay attention because it is so subtle. Let’s go:

1) Our heroine starts this up by trying to awkwardly seduce our “hero”

[Jared talks about finding a cot the next day so he has a place to sleep]



“I don’t think you need to find a cot, not yet.”

I feel his eyes on me, questioning, but I can’t meet them. I’m embarrassed now, too late. The words are out.


2) Our hero doesn’t get it

“We’ll stay here until the food is gone, don’t worry. I’ve slept on worse things than this couch.”


“That’s not what I mean,” I say, still looking down.

“You get the bed, Mel. I’m not budging on that.”


3) Our heroine gets even more self-conscious as she keeps on trying.

“That’s not what I mean, either.” It’s barely a whisper. “I meant the couch is plenty big for Jamie. He won’t outgrow it for a long time. I could share the bed with… you.”


There is a pause. I want to look up, to read the expression on his face, but I’m too mortified. What if he is disgusted? How will I stand it? Will he make me go away?


4) Our hero is not happy over the revelation.

His warm, callused fingers tug my chin up. My heart throbs when our eyes meet.


“Mel, I…” His face, for once, has no smile.


 5) “WAHH! He doesn’t want me!”

Does he not feel the fire between his body and mine? Is that all me? How can it all be me? It feels like a flat sun trapped between us—pressed like a flower between the pages of a thick book, burning the paper. Does it feel like something else to him? Something bad?


5) Hero tries to argue his way out of this situation and fails at it


After a moment, his head turns; he’s the one looking away now, still keeping his grip on my chin. His voice is quiet. “You don’t owe me that, Melanie. You don’t owe me anything at all.”


It’s hard for me to swallow. “I’m not saying… I didn’t mean that I felt obligated. And… you shouldn’t, either. Forget I said anything.”

“Not likely, Mel.”


Jared takes a deep breath. He squints at the floor, his eyes and jaw tight. “Mel, it doesn’t have to be like that. Just because we’re together, just because we’re the last man and woman on Earth…” He struggles for words, something I don’t think I’ve ever seen him do before. “That doesn’t mean you have to do anything you don’t want to. I’m not the kind of man who would expect… You don’t have to…”

(Never mind he mouth raped her when he met her twice. Truly he‘s a chaste hero who respects her wishes.)

6) Heroine feels humiliated

[…] I want to disappear. Give up—lose my mind to the invaders if that’s what it takes to erase this huge blunder. Trade the future to blot out the last two minutes of the past. Anything.


(Nice to see her priorities. Who cares about her brother? And no this is not like wishing the ground to eat you up, getting possessed is a real possibility and a frightening one. It shouldn’t treated as a “Please God, kill me now.”)

7) Hero reassures her

“It was a miracle—more than a miracle—when I found you, Melanie. Right now, if I was given the choice between having the world back and having you, I wouldn’t be able to give you up. Not to save five billion lives.”


“That’s wrong.”

“Very wrong but very true.”


( So nobody cares for Jamie? Guess not since the heroine in turn says that if she were in a solitary island he’s the only company she wishes she’d had. Her brother can go drown somewhere. )

8) Hero controls the whole situation:


“Oh, Mel,” he sighs in my ear, and pulls my face around to meet his.


More flames in his lips, fiercer than the others, blistering. I don’t know what I’m doing, but it doesn’t seem to matter. His hands are in my hair, and my heart is about to combust. I can’t breathe. I don’twant to breathe.

But his lips move to my ear, and he holds my face when I try to find them again.




“But?” How can there be a but? What could possibly follow all this fire that starts with a but?

“Jared,” I breathe. I try to reach for his lips again. He pulls away, looking like he has something to say. What more can there be?


9) And the “but” is that the hero is the one who holds the moral high ground and recognizes what’s wrong about this situation

“But you’re seventeen, Melanie. And I’m twenty-six.”


 (Huh, big age gaps. Is this somewhat familiar?)

10) The heroine in turn doesn’t care about what the male thinks


“You’ve got to be kidding me.” I lean back to search his face. “You’re going to worry about conventions when we’re past the end of the world?”

He swallows loudly before he speaks. “Most conventions exist for a reason, Mel. I would feel like a bad person, like I was taking advantage. You’re very young.”

“No one’s young anymore. Anyone who’s survived this long is ancient.”

There’s a smile pulling up one corner of his mouth. “Maybe you’re right. But this isn’t something we need to rush.”

“What is there to wait for?” I demand.

11) The hero then brings up the dangers of sex that our heroine is too stupid to think about:

“See,” he explains, hesitating. Under the deep golden tan of his skin, it looks like he might be blushing. “When I was stocking this place, I wasn’t much planning for… guests. What I mean is…” The rest comes out in a rush. “Birth control was pretty much the last thing on my mind.”

I feel my forehead crease. “Oh.”

And so sex gets averted as the male intended saving the harlot of a main character from tainting our pure male character and our heroine agrees to wait and abide to his rules, which are the true correct way by society. She agrees because he does promise to sex her up like she wants to, she just has to do what he says. So, guess what scene rips off? Think really hard about it.

Well, If you can’t guess yet take your copy of Eclipse and read chapter 20.It’s the same thing! I hit my head against a wall when I read this chapter because: can the author be any more unoriginal? All this is missing is Jared telling Melanie "Plese, stop being so difficult."  I guess it’s not plagiarism when you steal from yourself.

Plus I don't uderstand why they can't just do other things if condoms are the only problem. Is he such a dick that he won't go down on her? How about a hand job? Rear end her? Jerk off using her breasts or thighs? I'm just saying there are plenty of ways to get off that don't end in babies. Don't tell me a 17 year old girl and a 26 year old guy can't figure that out.

Well, the chapter ends with Melanie taking Wanderer out of the memory as we reveal that she was still driving and the sorrow is making her cry. So now she‘s blinded by tears, emotionally unstable, driving in a highway without really knowing how to drive, as she hears Melanie‘s sad thoughts over how she has no time left. Do I even need to say anything about that?!


(Chapter 9)

Feeling: annoyedannoyed
zelda_queenzelda_queen on July 22nd, 2010 07:59 pm (UTC)
You know Meyer, there's a reason people find form letters annoying.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 22nd, 2010 08:34 pm (UTC)
I know. -_-;; I have half a mind to look for a copy of Eclipse and do a side by side quote because I swear it is the exact same thing. I remembered because I did this chapter when I was doing my proof of how the subtext in Twilight says Edward has a small penis. So now she doesn't just do expys, but also whole scenes. Next thing I know Wanderer will be accepted into the rebel group (like Bella with the wolves) except for one who will be the Leah and will be kicked in the nuts or ovaries for it. Then we'll meet the rest of the Cullen expys and about time, I'm starting to miss Emmet. Then Wanderer will imprint-- I mean fall in love at first sight with some random guy but decide to become a mother and give birth in a way reminicent to The Brood just to be saved by the power of true love. (And don't spoil me about how much of that I got right or wrong.)

I was going to spork this normally with Eliza alone since Justin is of the "If you can't say anything nice.." type, but she just steals from herself! Yet I was in no mood to deal with this. I'm so tired from the project and I still have to finish my translation.

Edited at 2010-07-22 08:58 pm (UTC)
zelda_queenzelda_queen on July 23rd, 2010 02:09 am (UTC)
XD Okay, I won't.

Your sporkings are great thus far!

Incidentally, I love your new Lifejournal layout. XD Is that your picture up there?
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 23rd, 2010 03:40 am (UTC)
Good. I have $20 on the fact that at least 1 of those things will happen. XD

I'm glad you think so. Sometimes I think I'm just rolling my eyes at the text too much or something like that. You are just so much better than me at raging at it. XD

Yay! I love it too, although I worry my color scheme is too hard to read. Unlike "I hate days like this", I did not make it from scratch. You can find great layout on the place I credited. I just changed colors, personalized the header in photoshop (it was originally a nanowrimo layout) and made it a bit wider. If you ever find a layout you want to use and need some help, you can tell me. I'm not a super expert, but I can see what I can do.

Every bit in the header represents something to me. The red riding hood my love for fantasy and fairy tales and my desire to post a series of miny essays about the topic. My picture and list the fact that I may want to talk about me or the things I'm up to. The fanlist icons and the parasol/towel represent the types of things I'm into and types of books I want to recommend. The last quotes are about my sporks. The top one is something I've said because so far I have yet to turn down a book and in doing so I just received this book called Marked *shudder* The bottom one represents books like The host. XD The note are the stories I may post.

And yes, that's a pic of me. I had a hard time choosing one. I wanted one where I'm without make up and with curly hair since that's how I usually look. I don't like to wear make up and it took me 18 years to get a hold of myself and realize that my curly hair is beautiful no matter what anybody says.

I had to light the pic in photoshop since it was so dark on my computer. It's too bad you can't see my eyes, yet the other two I really liked would have looked weird because of lighting and one of them I have mickey ears on and I wanted something without ears. XD

I haven't finished the layout, though. I want to have other things, like a link section with buttons I've made linking back to other blogs and sites I like. You don't ming if I take your icon, turn it into a icon and link to your journal, right sweetie?

Edited at 2010-07-23 03:46 am (UTC)
zelda_queenzelda_queen on July 23rd, 2010 04:38 am (UTC)
Ah, okay. *resists temptation to spill beans* (it's genetic, you know, my grandfather had a habit of ruining the endings of stuff XD)

I know what you mean. That's one of the reasons I have trouble with fanfiction - my eyebrows just keep wiggling (that's my "bullspit-o-meter", and stuff like My Inner Life or the Westboro Baptist Church really sets 'em off) and I just don't know what to say. So I just rant. XD

Really? *checks* Ah, I see! Hey, a parasol and a towel sound incredibly useful no matter what you read. XD Actually, I might borrow that for one of my books (the concept I mean), if that's alright?

"it took me 18 years to get a hold of myself and realize that my curly hair is beautiful no matter what anybody says."

Heh, curly hair is great! My own hair is always doing its own thing. XD My friends kept telling me to straighten it, but what the heck? Your hair looks good for you. ^_^

Oh no, that's fine! Link away. ^^;
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 23rd, 2010 03:23 pm (UTC)
I suffer from the same condition. XD I got some friends to read the parasol protectorate series and it kills me because I take a day to read books I love and my friends take so long. So I hate to bite my hand because I so want to talk about it but I can't.

I just shake my head with a smirk if I'm amused or facepalm and groan if it's annoying or stupid.

The parasol is a reference to the parasol protectorate (in which Alexia's weapon of choice is a parasol) and the towels is a referencing "The hitchhikers guide..." XD I should have added C4 to that quote since I love mythbusters and Burn notice (two shows involving lots of explosives XD). You can borrow the concept if you want.

Yeah, but I grew up being told straight is better, but my hair doesn't work straight so it let to some aweful moments and me not learning how to take care of it. It didn't help being the only girl in class with super curly hair. But thank you for the compliment.

Ok, cool. ^_^
zelda_queenzelda_queen on July 23rd, 2010 03:57 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I remember you saying about the parasol before. XD But it also reminds me of Calvin and Hobbes, when Calvin puts together a kit that can handle any emergency. It includes an umbrella which he says can double as a parachute. XD
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 23rd, 2010 05:03 pm (UTC)
OMG, I had totally forgoten that! I oficially suck as a Calvin and Hobbes fan. XD
zelda_queenzelda_queen on July 23rd, 2010 06:52 pm (UTC)
Ha ha, don't worry. It probably says something about myself, that I can't remember my college courses but THAT comes to mind immediately. :P
Gehayi: plotbunnynaoko (kirisame)gehayi on July 26th, 2010 04:36 am (UTC)
I always wanted curly hair. Curly hair is pretty. Mine is usually straight. (It gets frizzy and impossible in humid weather.)
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 29th, 2010 03:34 am (UTC)
Curly hair can present similar problems. I need to keep my hair shoulder lenght at least because it gets super spongy and goes to the side When I cut it shorter. I learned that the hard way as a kid.
Carakaslacarakasla on July 22nd, 2010 08:30 pm (UTC)
Meyer, I am going to give you a bit of a history lesson:

While, yes, Edward and Bella's relationship was all kinds of creepy, it's fairly standard for Vampire novels. Melanie and Jared's, not so much. Up until, eh, the 20th century (I could be a bit off) Seeing a teenage girl with a guy in his mid-late twenties was not uncommon. Hell, for years there was young teenage girls getting married off to men in their forties! This whole 'large age gaps are creepy' is in fact, a fairly new concept in the grand scheme of things. Pick something else to be all *forbidden* about.

This is more directed at Meyer, and I don't mean to offend anyone, but I desperatly need to clairfy my knowledge. But...I thought Mormons were suppose to be very family centered. So, why are none of the characters in either 'Twilight' or 'The Host' particulary close, or devote to their families? They are two completely different stories, so why have two heriones who are fairly similar? Who both consider their families as obstacles to their Tuw Wuv? This just seems very...very odd. Why do Meyer's books denounce family values so much when Family values are the base of the Mormon church? It just seems weird so me, and again, I don't mean offense.
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 22nd, 2010 08:47 pm (UTC)
Plus you would think human extintion would promote procreation. XD

She's just at this point reusing scenes from Twilight because "hey, it sold". We are beyond expys at this point. The whole age thing is the equivalent to I'll break you from Edward. See, he says that it prevents him yet it doesn't stop him from kissing her and from moving on to say "I have to condoms. Let's just take it super slow for now." (equivalent to let's get married first.

And I would be ok with them not doing it if it were something they both wanted, for example. They are just getting to know each other and want to take it slow. But no, Melanie is a horny harlot and it's up to responsable Jared to control his woman, but it's ok when he pushes his feelings on her. If he's concerned with age, why make out with her in the first place... twice!

Actually I was wondering the same family thing. Jamie is suppoused to be super important to Melanie, yet she doesn't really puts him first. As the oldest of 8 I take offense with her big sister skills in a post apocaliptic world. He's just a prop on the background. He has yet to say a line and do anything but wait back in the hiding place and go to sleep here.
aikaterini: Mewtwo - Angeraikaterini on July 26th, 2010 09:04 pm (UTC)
Ugh, *again* the supposed heroine has to beg and harass the supposed hero for sex. What is your deal, Ms. Meyer? Why are all your heroines just so desperate to be with men and sleep with them? Not only do the men have to keep them in line, the women are apparently just so horny that the consequences don't even cross their minds. The men always have to remind them, because apparently the women are too desperate and stupid to think of them themselves. And the way that Meyer has her women laugh at the men who have to remind them about the reasons why they can't do this really ticks me off.

Bella: Oh, silly Edward, you and your old-fashioned notions about waiting for marriage! What kind of *man* are you? Don't be such a sissy! So what if you might crush me to death?

Melanie: Oh, silly Jared, you and your old-fashioned notions about possibly being too old for me! We live in a post-apocalyptic world, so forget about sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancies, shut up and bang me!
Miss Shaolinashaolina on July 26th, 2010 09:28 pm (UTC)
What bugs me is that just after the guys telling them that, and the women laughing it up, the guys just cave in disregarding what was said.

Edward: I'll crush you to death!
Bella: It's ok, I don't care.
Edward: Fine, but we marry first.
Bella: Why?
Edward: Because marriage will apparently save you from dying.
Bella: Shouldn't we instead reasearch on alternative positions and material to restrain you as I ride you?
Edward: Of course not! That would be too logical!

Jared: We can't have sex because I'm too old for you.

(He proceeds to tease her and get her exited anyway. Mixed signals much?!)

Melanie: But I'm horny!
Jared: Fine, but we need condoms first or else we won't be able to be satisfied.
Melanie: Couldn't we do other... things until then?
Jared: Silly woman, only way to be sexually satisfied is by you lying there as I do you missionary possition!

It's like a chain of anger. I'm pissed that Melanie begs for it in such a silly little way (in a way because it's the second Jared/Melanie we see. EMOTIONAL TRANSITIONS HELP ME CARE FOR THE CHARACTER, MEYER!!) Then I rage at Jared for being a jerk and a vaginatease while he shoots down his silly little woman. Then at Melanie for not considering his feelings. Then at both for being idiots when a solution is there (since the guys don't really care about their "but"). Then I'm mad at Meyer when I realize not only that this relationship sucks, but that this is chapter 20 from Eclipse. I think this would have worked better if instead of sex we would have gotten the three humans hanging out or Melanie and Jared talking about things.
mercurywatermercurywater on June 4th, 2012 04:40 pm (UTC)
Rear-end her? A person is not a car. Guess we know what you like now. Look not all women want it in the asshole-women have no prostates and thus..not a good deal of sexual feelings in the anus. Obviously women do it for guys and some get pleasure from it that may be psychosomatic, but christ not every women wants to bend over and take it.
Look you can have baby making sex without getting preggers-homemade condoms and pulling out are more effective than not.
And regarding your last post on calling men beautiful: it does not mean the same thing as handsome or attractive (which dont even mean the same things). It has recently become a gendered adjective to some people but beauty actually means the apex of physical attractiveness whether that be to a man or a nice chair.